Magnetic
by SociallyUnstable
Summary: Maybe despite all her emotional damage and his refusal to be bound to anyone by a feeling he can't understand, they'll still end up falling for each other. And maybe that's all they need. But how can they understand their feelings for each other if they can't even understand themselves?
1. Chapter 1

**So the timeline of this is Tris's initiation class is one year after Four's, and this is the class after Tris', so the war is yet to happen.** **Four/Tobias, Tris and Uriah are dauntless leaders in this story. If I've missed anything out about the differences I'll just explain in later chapters as I go along. Anyway, I hope somebody out there enjoys my effort x**

 **I do not own Divergent. Only my OC's.**

 **Modifications made on 03/03/16**

* * *

 **Magnetism** \- A class of physical phenomena

* * *

Chapter One

 **Lorraine**

There was something inexplicably liberating about running.

Racing through the streets along with other members of our newly chosen faction, I couldn't help but scream along with the rest of them as they cheered and yelled into the warm afternoon air. My feet didn't ache. My muscles felt like foam and my bones were solid and unrelenting. This was electrifying.

My time at Amity was finally over.

More often than none, I had to be calmed, sedated, and dragged into a room to have some 'quiet time' and 'think about my actions'. It turns out I did not have enough calm in me to overlook every single backhanded compliment or smile all the time or listen to those god awful pieces of string being strum against wood for twelve hours of the day and in the end, the result was usually a swift injection with peace serum and a trip to my mother's office.

She'd give me that look, shifting her hair back so that the scar on her face was in full view as if to say 'this is what happens to people around you when you behave like that'. And then I'd sink further down into my chair and tell her I'd try to be better and she'd say 'I know' even though we both knew that no matter how hard I tried I was still a constantly lit fuse and there was no changing that.

Then the serum would wear off and I would sink into a deep dreamless slumber, barely remembering how or why something had elicited an emotion other than anger from me. I'd learned to hold in my anger as I'd gotten older, but I was still a ticking time bomb yet to erupt.

The morning of choosing day my mother gave me a sad smile, seated in her heavily furnished wooden office as if it was just another day. We were both wearing yellow, not a rare occurrence considering it was one of our faction colours and the brightness complimented our dark skin tones instead of washing us out as it did to most other people. Her hair was held in a loose fishtail braid by the side of her head, which she must have done while I was getting ready because her hair had been let out this morning when she'd came into my room to braid my own hair in an identical fashion.

I shut the door to her office and glared at the girl staring back at me through the tall, oval shaped mirror that hung from behind it.

A bright yellow sundress may have been slightly garish for such an occasion, but it was the one of the few things I owned that didn't have a million different fringes hanging off it or an extra metre of material dragging along behind me that served no particular purpose but to give an illusion of relaxation.

The hairstyle brought out the round features that I had inherited from my mother, emphasising our likeness and making us somewhat indistinguishable at first glance. Besides her slightly heavy build, we were alike in every aspect from skin tone to ear shape and the curl pattern of our hair. She smiled once she glanced over and saw the scowl I had plastered on my face.

"I haven't seen you express emotion that clearly since you were six" She chuckled, clasping her hands together in front of her "It's lovely to see you so displeased"

I wandered over to the desk and wrapped my arms around her neck, slightly irritated that she'd chosen today to remind me of where a majority of my sense of humour came from.

"I'll miss you" She squeezed my arms gently and kissed the arm resting underneath her neck. I ignored the slight strain in her voice as she spoke, as if something inside her snapped and she was desperately trying to tie it back together again before her daughter abandoned her.

We hadn't spoken about my test results. She knew what they'd be before I'd taken the aptitude test. I cam top of my class at school and spoke like a true Erudite. But that wasn't where I was going. I didn't fir in there and I wasn't really sure I'd fit in at Dauntless either. But Erudite asked too many questions, valued interpersonal skills and high levels of formality. I was not able to deal with being that person.

Then there was my father. Erudite-born and he was till the day he died. It was evident that he was feigning Amity after he'd kept insisting on making me the subject of his warped psychological experiments, often testing out smuggled serums and mental manipulation techniques on me. No wonder I'm so screwed up. Eventually my mother had enough and appealed to the Faction council to have him stripped of his Leadership position and subsequently ended up leaving Amity and becoming Factionless. I'd inherited his intelligence and defiance apparently. I'd gotten control from my mother.

She'd taught me to stay calm and hold in my anger. But somewhere along the line I had ended up holding in everything else too. My joy, my fear, my confusion, my shock, my sadness. All of it was locked away deep inside me. Emotions made people vulnerable and easily manipulated and I was neither. My mind returned from it's wander and I take my mother's hand in mine, ready to walk into the first day of the rest of my life.

* * *

Who would have thought that cutting my hand open and dropping my blood onto a bed of coals would be the only thing that calmed me down more than the peace serum. The silent hiss of the sizzling red liquid had made me sigh with relief at my decision. _I had chosen this. I could finally be free._

"Hop on!"

My heart hammered against my chest as I registered what was going on. The Dauntless-born initiates did not have to be told twice. Half a second later they were already dashing towards the open carriage, leaping in breathlessly like maniacs.

I realised that somehow my feet were still moving. I was slightly ahead of the rest of them and I hadn't paid enough attention to how much momentum I should have probably been losing as I travelled so I endeavoured to slow down my pace before I reached the dead end of where the roof of the buildings overtook the height of the train.

The train coughed and spluttered, the grainy squeaks of the track ringing through my ears while I counted my breaths and paced out my entraining process.

Three...two...one.

I leaped up off the gravel and threw my arms onto the floor of the train, sliding myself up onto the rough metal ground. The rust scraped at my shins when I pushed myself inside and I crawled into the corner of the carriage to avoid the glares and surprised expressions aimed at me. I scramble to my feet, feeling somewhat light-headed after the overwhelming thrill of jumping onto a moving train. I was out of breath but not as much as the others. I looked around, surveying my new fellow faction members for anybody who looked as out of place as me.

Nobody else did.

My yellow dress stood out like a sore thumb amidst their various black, white and blue outfits. Cliques were already starting to form and there were varying groups of people dotted around in small clusters, laughing and squealing from excitement. I scanned the carriage for a sliver of grey or red and found that I had been heinously outnumbered. I allowed myself to let out a sigh. This was going to be one hell of an initiation period.

"Lorraine Reyes, right?" A voice asks from behind where I'm standing.

I turn around to find a nervous smile coupled with apologetic grey eyes, and a matching grey dress shirt and pants. His hair was a dusty brown and styled in a neat combed down position against his angular face. He had striking features, bright eyes and a pout-like expression that made him look slightly confused. I nod in response and try to remember why he looks so familiar...

"Oh umm yeah I'm...uhh I'm Matthew" He stammers and stalks towards me holding out a nervous hand in front of him.

"I know" I respond, shaking his outstretched hand.

"Y-yeah" He stammered once more, a happier expression making its way onto his pale face.

"We both used to volunteer at the library together, right? I thought you'd end up in Erudite"

"I thought the same about you" He chuckles nervously. I could never forget that nervous laugh, the jittery way he'd type information in on the computer or awkwardly stammer through fees for overdue books.

"Stop being so nervous" I say as non-demandingly as I can. which evidently, is very demanding as he looks slightly taken aback by my comment and responds back in a small voice.

"I can't"

"You are a socially flawed human about to enter a dauntless compound. You have no choice" I sigh "Besides, I kinda like you"

"Thanks. Ummm...do I have say something witty now too?"

"Hmmm you're intelligent so you can if you don't think about it. If you're gonna be a smartass, then you've gotta be smart. Otherwise you're just an ass. And you are no ass my dear Matthew"

He laughs. A genuine, calm laugh that's so adorable I kind of feel glad I get to hear it. I laugh too because for the first time in sixteen years, I think I may have just made a friend.

"Alright initiates time to go" A female voice calls out to us. Half a moment later she leaps out of the carriage, followed by a few of the other Trainers and I shuffle over to the edge of exposed airspace, glimpsing over the open doorway at how they execute their jumps.

Three more consecutive jumpers, all leaped out and rolled out onto the grainy tarmac roof. I look beside me at Matthew, who for once doesn't look too panicked. I give him a curt nod before I took a few steps backwards then ran out of the train, diving forwards and landing on my side then rolling myself across the stony ground to reduce the impact.

My shoulders were slightly grazed and I brushed some small stones off my forearms but apart from that I was still relatively unharmed and had not yet succumbed to the overplayed intimidation from the trainers that the other non-dauntless born initiates already had. I could practically see them mentally retreating back to their old factions, too systematised to immediately adapt to their decision.

The sun was directly overhead us now and the luminescent glow showered down onto my lemon coloured dress, which only added to my inadvertently obtrusive state, and I avoid staring down at myself lest I blind myself with the bright yellow replica of the sun I decided to pull out of my wardrobe this morning.

I search the area for Matthew and for a moment feel slightly dismayed as I see no sight of him. I turn back around and find him standing directly behind me, closer than socially acceptable. This kid was going to give me a heart attack if he kept creeping around behind me.

"S-sorry" He smiles slightly at my wide-eyed expression and I feel the need to smile back. But I don't.

"Initiates!" A guy calls out to us and steps out from among the dauntless leaders "I'm Uriah!" He walks over to the edge of the building and peers down towards the can't be more than a year or two older than us but he speaks like he's been doing this for years. He has a slightly bemused look on his face as if he's proud of himself for coming across so intimidatingly; that's soon replaced by a stern expression as he walks complacently across the edge of the building.

"You all have to get into the compound, don't you?" He begins, pacing back and forth, his footing exceptionally accurate as he misses the hollow beside the concrete by less than an inch.

A series of mumbles and 'yeah's follow the question nervously.

"Well it's down there" He points towards the direction of beyond the ledge.

Silence.

"So we jump?" I ask him, confidence coating my words like a protective shell.

"Precisely" He takes an extra step sideways and allows us to cautiously peer over the edge of the roof and down into the jagged abyss. None of us miss the two crumpled bodies laying side by side on the pavement. None of us say a word.

"If you fail to jump then you fail to become a dauntless member" He warns "The instructions are clear enough"

The rest of the dauntless that travelled with us are all stood in a line behind us, conferring amongst themselves. If we jump and die then what would the lesson in that be?

Don't be brave?

I compose myself and convince myself that I have no choice but to land safely. I look around and realise that the others had all retreated backwards and left me peering down over the ledge by myself. _Well it looks like I have no choice now._

"We can just go?" I ask him. He nods his head and motions for me to take the step. I look down into the gaping hole and smile. If I die then at least I have the satisfaction of being the first one of this group that was brave enough to leap of the edge of a building and into a dark pit carved into the ground. I step onto the edge and turn to face them before stepping backwards off the building and feeling myself float down into the unknown.

Not only did I jump off a building, I did it backwards. To say I was brave about it was a complete and utter lie.

I did it out of spite and the only thing louder than the wind in my ears was the sound of my own heart, violently pounding against my ribcage. I could feel myself accelerating as I surged through the air, the wind whistling an unusually comforting tune in my ears as I did so. I was enjoying the sensation of weightlessness so much that I almost forgot that my journey had an endpoint.

I landed flat on my back, sinking down into a net with a sharp creek of the springs echoing through the dimly lit room.

"Finally" A male voice sighs. he violently drags down the edge of the net forcing me to roll towards the direction of his arms. Or at least that was the potential outcome before he steps back and leaves me to roll helplessly off the unstable netting and stumble onto the ground. My feet immediately encounter a smooth, ice cold surface and I travel out of the bright gap of sunlight and into a chilly, somewhat eerie and rough compound.

"Lorraine Reyes?" His pale blue eyes look bored, and I notice the piercing above his eyebrow, a black surface piercing peeking out through two consecutive holes in his face. Unusual but not entirely unattractive. I hold my gaze on his for a moment, staring at him as intently as he stares at my expressionless face. His grins coldly, piercing eyes stabbing through mine for a few more moments.

I nod at him eventually, somehow managing to conjure up an accurate imitation of a relaxed human being. He made me nervous and I wasn't quite sure why. Maybe it's because he didn't look the slightest bit uncomfortable in my presence, something I was very unused to.

"First jumper - Lorraine!" He calls out towards the vacant air behind him. A myriad of cheers and bellows follows his announcement and I barely make out the faint outlines of a group of dauntless members gathered in the darkness. I smile at myself while his back is turned, hearing someone as infamous and desired as Eric Coulter saying my name with the slightest bit of respect was kind of self assuring.

"Where the fuck are your shoes?" Eric laughs once he's turned around, looking down at my bare feet.

I look up out of the hole in the ceiling and then back down at my feet. They were extremely loose ballet flats and they must have fallen off my feet as I was falling. I can't help but laugh at the irony of the situation and look back at the blonde guy to find that he's staring at me with a look of confusion.

"Well they are definitely not on my feet" I say pointedly, still laughing - for once as airily as a member of my home faction.

"Crazy hippie" He shakes his head, and walks towards the direction of my faceless admirers.


	2. Chapter 2

**I do not own Divergent**

 **Modified: 04/03/16**

* * *

 _Your eyes go quite frightening_

 _You lock your gaze on to my face_

 _;Daughter - Amsterdam_

* * *

Chapter 2

 **Eric**

"Interesting mix of initiates this year" Four comments, placing his tray of food down onto the polished tan wood of our brand new Leaders table.

Over the course of the year since the most recent transfers, a selection of the latest top of the class Dauntless members had somehow managed to arrange ourselves Kind of like an elite unit that none of us decided to intentionally join. Part of it was due to Abnegation and Erudite's growing dispute over the past year. Both factions pretty much assumed responsibility for everything, leaving the rest of us to have minimal duties and way too much time on our hands so we just started hanging out together in our free time and somehow managing to be way more wild and reckless than usual. Drinking and partying was the way of most dauntless teenagers, but due to our minimal working hours and naturally reckless nature, some may say we took thing a little too far.

"I heard the amity girl was first jumper" I look over at Tris as she speaks who in turn looks right back at me as if I am nothing more than pond scum. I can't even remember what I've already done to piss her off so early in the morning because the last hour has basically been a blur to me but I give her a bitter grin and watch her face twist up so much it makes a double tied knot look loose.

"First jumper is always the bravest. Even if they aren't the best" Uriah comments, aiming his compliment at Tris, who's face relaxes to the response of his accolade.

It would be my turn to scowl now but I look across at Four who has an even mightier scowl etched onto his face.

Now I grin.

 _I was first jumper._

"What's with all the faces this morning?" Zeke appears, ruffling his younger brother's hair as he takes a seat down beside him.

 _Great, more fucking people._

"Speaking of the new initiates" Peter pipes up, ready to wreck havoc on whatever fragment of peace we had managed for a few seconds "Did you hear another faction leader's kid transferred again this year?" There was only one occasion was the crap that spewed out of Peter's mouth not completely unnecessary and it was when he was delivering information. I usually tuned out after the gossip had been delivered and ignored the bigotry or unnecessary provocation that followed. I was all for picking on people and everything, but not usually on sensitive subjects. I preferred a more general approach to making people suffer.

"Really? Who is it this time?" Zeke asks, oblivious to Tris and Four's pissed off expressions.

"Lorraine Reyes" Peter motions towards the table behind him "Daughter of Amity leader Johanna Reyes. Kinda creepy, but I'd do her"

"Creepy?" Uriah asks, unable to turn and look at her without making it blatantly obvious.

"Yeah, she does this staring thing with her eyes" Peter responds.

"I mean, it would be kinda creepier if she didn't stare with her eyes" Uriah jokes, raising his eyebrows.

There's something about her that intrigues me. Not just the fact that she jumped first and as I'd heard - backwards. But something else about the way she is in general. I vaguely remembered her from school. She took most of her classes with Erudite kids so I guess she was pretty damn smart. Apart from that, she was quiet and unbothered, nothing too impressive. But I kind of had this weird nauseous feeling when I looked at her, and once I did I couldn't quite figure out why I decided to look at her in the first place.

When you looked at her for long enough, she looked almost nothing like her mother yet she still held all the features in all the same places, somehow they just didn't create the same image. It was like saying the same word over and over again and finding that it eventually lost the meaning and weight that it once had and was now just this obscure thing that you don't recognise anymore. I turn away from the piercing black holes that just mentally assaulted me and resume my attention to the fuckwits at the table.

"Did you know they put opium in their bread?" I hear Peter say, half amused.

"Be sure to pick some up for me next time you're on patrol there" I respond.

"Uh uh, no more drugs for you Eric. You almost OD'd on my coffee table last week!" Shauna shakes her head at me.

" _Almost_ " I shrug "Besides, it's not like we're doing any work around here what with Erudite and Abnegation lapping up responsibilities as if they're dogs drinking from a water bowl. Let's take advantage of it before we have to start doing real shit again"

"So who's place is it this weekend?" Peter asks eagerly.

"C'mon lets honestly take a break guys. Livers are not easy to come by these days and I have a very rare blood type-"

"Stop being such a pissbaby and calm your tits" Zeke sighs, punching him in the arm playfully.

"That is so insensitive" Tris rolls her eyes at him.

"Yeah, don't forget that we aren't all lucky enough to be born with boobs" I say, looking in her direction.

"Screw you Eric!" She growls.

"Ironic, seeing as you seem to be the only girl on this table who hasn't...yet"

"Eurgh!" She squeals, throwing down her cutlery in disgust.

I grin and pick my muffin up, ready to leave the table after pissing her off as much as I could be bothered to for this morning. As I leave the cafeteria, Four steps out in front of me.

"The hell do you want?" I sigh.

"Just don't make me have to kick your ass today" He frowns "I'm not putting up with your bullshit this year. Don't bully these kids Eric"

"Aww c'mon where's the fun in that?" I chuckle and punch him in the arm - not gently and he glares in response.

"Dude are you high?"

Yes.

"No" I lie, as we make our way over to the training centre.

Four and Tris had given them their tours yesterday, so all the schedules and rules had been delivered by them. The initiates had all arrived in the training centre before we did which undoubtedly surprised all three of us. They were an interesting mix. There was at least one from every faction and apart from the Abnegation kid and a Candor, none of them looked too frightened.

Yet.

A few minutes later, they were lined up across the running track out on the field, readily awaiting their starting signal. Today was just laps around the field to assess their overall endurance skills. I scam the line and walk over to the Amity girl as she's seated on the ground undoing the laces of the black trainers she's been given and slides them off her feet.

"What's the deal with you and shoes?" I say from where I'm stood, about a metre or so away from her.

At first I think she doesn't hear me, and I repeat myself, this time standing directly in front of her and speaking louder.

She doesn't answer.

"I'm talking to you _initiate_ "

She continues staring blankly at me, kicking her shoes to the side of the field and stretching out her limbs.

"Listen up" I obstruct her as she turns to walk over to the start point "I don't know what kind of bullshit you're trying to pull here but I'm not putting up with your crap. So guess what? You wait here, and you start running _after_ the rest of them"

She grins at me and I feel rage welling up within me.

 _How the hell did she manage to be so damn infuriating without even opening her mouth?_

"Say something and I might just reconsider" I remind her, inching closer and staring down at her.

She doesn't even flinch. She paces to the edge of the track and sits on the ground, folding her arms over her chest and frustratingly waiting for me to give the go ahead. Four's at the other end of the track, glancing over at me and the small figure sitting down on the ground. I can't make out his facial expression but I refuse to let his empty threats turn me into a weak leader. After the rest of the initiates complete about a quarter of a lap, I give her the signal to begin running. Needless to say, she outran them and out lasted them. All while barefoot and despite staring a minute or so after the rest of them. She clearly had way more practice in the field of long distance running than I thought and I mentally kicked myself for not thinking of a worse punishment.

She honestly impressed me, but I'll be damned if I let it show.

I watch her pace the rest of the initiates, dazed, exhausted and slightly confused as to how she is a whole half a lap ahead of them, and somehow not showing any signs of physical exhaustion. I spot Four out of the corner of my eye, clearly impressed and staring at her with some kind of admiration.

The rest of the day proved to be even more frustrating.

I tried to make her speak, but all she did was silently grin even when I asked her to hit the bag differently, to kick a certain way or to shoot the bullet in random locations on the target board and not once did she question me. I tell her what to do and she does it.

I didn't know if I wanted to strangle her or push her off a cliff.

She also manages to keep all emotion off her face. No shock, no confusion, and hardly ever pride. Just the same daring grin in response to everything plastered onto her stupid face. Not that her face was stupid. It was fucking far from it. It was kind of a good looking face. Kinda round and it didn't suit her slender figure but I got what Peter meant about totally doing her. She was hot in that 'could probably murder you in cold blood without any personal conflict' kind of way.

Shit, she was hot wasn't she?

Hot as in, even when she had just finished running a whole mile and was dripping with sweat, I wasn't even grossed out.

 _What was it about her...?_

It wasn't anything in particular. Her boobs were great, but I'd seen better. Her limbs were kind of bony and her knees had this knobbly thing going on. She had a great ass though. _Yeah it was probably that._ Her shoulders are also kinda weirdly sexy. Smooth and a rich orangey-brown colour.

 _Why am I thinking about her?_

Probably because in the space of an hour she'd made it to number one on my to do list. Number two on that list was probably to never to mention that line to anyone. Ever.

"She not talking to you either?" Four and I are standing at the back of the room, assessing how Tris is handling their target practice. If she didn't irritate me so much I might have actually commended her on her trainer skills. I turn to face Four as he stands there, arms crossed in his signature authoritarian pose with the solid look of judgement on his face. It was a good look for him. One of the rare occasions where I didn't think he was a stiff in disguise.

"You think she's a mute?" He asks me.

I shake my head.

"She's paired with the abnegation guy for fight training. Should be interesting" He says sternly.

"That's if they don't impale themselves on each other's limbs first" I scoff "They're both all bone"

Four announces the fighting system and the apprehension on their faces is almost calming to me. Inducing fear is one of the rare things that makes me feel as if things are in order.

At Four's request, she strides up to the mat and the stiff approaches on the opposite side. A stiff and a hippie battling it out with each other? This should be interesting. The stiff attacked first, lunging towards her jaw, but she's fast and in an instant she's disappeared from her former position. He goes in for an overhead swing next but she ducks down and kicks a leg out from underneath him while he collects himself.

Impressive.

Clearly none of the others were expecting the fight to be this eventful.

"Come on, let's hear some bones crunching" I say, faking a yawn. Four and Tris both grimace at me simultaneously as if they share a brain and I resist the urge to say something even worse before they start with their melodrama.

He grabs one of her legs after he'd fallen, pulling her down to the ground with a painful thud. Before she can get up, he kicks her in the ribs, and she flinches slightly before rolling over onto her front. She pulls his leg back down as he had done to her earlier but he's expectant and jumps out of the way before dragging her up off the ground and holding her in place with his forearm. She tries to pry him off her with her arms and but he had her held firmly in place, cutting off the air travelling down her windpipe. For a moment I think she's going to stop clawing at his arm but she doesn't and it only takes Four's intervention before he releases her neck.

"That it?" The stiff asks, looking nervous. What kind of guy has a person in a death grip and looks as if they're worried for their own personal safety?

I nod, deciding that maybe authorising initiates to choke each other to death maybe wasn't optimal for the first day of training.


	3. Chapter 3

**I do not own Divergent. Only my OC's. And deviated plot lines.**

* * *

 _And now people talk to me, but nothing ever hits home_

 _People talk to me, and all the voices just burn holes._

 _;Lorde - Yellow Flicker Beat_

* * *

 _Chapter_ _3_

 ** **Lorraine****

 _ _[Lorraine will not yell at the other children__

 _ _Lorraine will not threaten the other children__

 _ _Lorraine will play nicely with the other children__

 _ _Lorraine will not hit the other children__

 _ _Lorraine will-]__

 _"Do you understand what you've done wrong, Lorraine?" My father asked as I ceased writing, the pen nib hovering along the paper._

 _"Yes"_

 _"Will you behave the right way now?" He asked, staring at the page in front of me, my large childish writing scrawled out in uneven lines across the pale paper._

 _"Yes"_

 _"Okay. Then you may go outside" He gestured to the door behind me and I turned and stared, eyed widening in awe. The large wooden obstruction that led to a world that had seemed so unattainable five minutes before was now mine to conquer. I had been sitting in this room for five hours and prior to that, I hadn't been allowed to leave the house this whole summer._

 _"You just have to promise me that it won't happen again, okay?"_

 _"I promise"_

 _I couldn't even remember what I had done that time but I needed the outside. The outside calmed me down. And now I was allowed to leave the confines of my wooden prison and into a place that didn't make me feel like I was suffocating._

 _"Your mother thinks you're too young to be in confinement Lorraine. Do you agree with her?"_

 _I stared at his blank expression, trying to figure out if the question was rhetorical or not. "She doesn't understand that I do this because I only want the best for you. This is the only way you can be right" He sighs. I nod in understanding and step down from the chair, practically running out of the room._

 _I had remembered the argument they had that very night. He said that people would talk and think things about our faction if the child of a leader couldn't even be kept in check._ _I was many things as a child, brutally honest being one of them. So was recklessness and intelligence. This worried my father to no avail. He'd thought I was broken, At a young age I'd already shown signs of dual-factionism meaning that there was a fatal error somewhere in my mind that he was trying to rectify. He'd often make me do repetitive exercises or keep me in confinement for a few days or something to make sure the me that was wrong didn't get out._

 _"I think we should let her be herself" My mother said one evening, calm and collected as she always was._

 _"Don't give me that being herself bullshit. Who she is, is a disaster and I'll be damned if I let her run around being that mess!"_

 _"Does it matter? Does it matter if she isn't like us? She's-"_

 _"I was born with the mentality of the correct faction and I have lived it out every day since then!" He exclaims. Till this day I still wasn't sure if he meant Erudite or Amity._

 _"No...you haven't" My mother retorted "Don't you dare raise your voice at me and if you think positive reinforcement and confinement is the correct way to raise a child then maybe you should have just stayed in Erudite"_

That was when he left. I was twelve years old and he'd finally had enough of everything. But of course I was I still wasn't free of him. Of the constant reminder that I was wrong and needed to keep the real me as far away from everything as I possibly could otherwise it would only end in disaster.

My mother had gone to visit him, but on that particular day he was drunk beyond comprehension and the knife he had decided on carrying around for self defence found its way being dragged along the side of my mother's face as she tried to console him. That same night his body was found on the train tracks, disfigured but unmistakably him. There was no funeral or wake. Just the sounds of my mother's silent sobs sending me to sleep every night. She didn't really say much either after then. She just smiled at me sadly and smothered me with affection, knowing that soon she would no longer have me there with her.

I couldn't even hate him. He knew exactly why I had to change and sitting among the Amity council on the day of his exile, he looked me right in the eye while they announced the verdict, because he was warning me. _Because he knew_. But even though all the signs in my life pointed me towards Erudite, I did the stupid thing and chose Dauntless. Everyone knew how intelligent I was and on the rare occasion where I spoke, it was like somebody who was born and bred in the confines of that white and blue haven. But I remembered how my father was Erudite and in all ways made for it but chose Amity because he knew how easy it would be to get in a position of power. He was smart enough to know how to demand respect and be regarded highly even in the most passive faction yet he didn't know how to truly be Amity.

Erudite was a dangerous place. They were smart but too often they tried to get in your head, and unlike him I wasn't going to spend my life sitting around trying to manipulate and psycho-analyze people. I would never put anybody through the anguish of having their minds infiltrated without their consent.

* * *

After a week of Stage One, I'd already managed to show myself to be capable of doing everything brilliantly without assistance. I'd lost three fights and won four, putting me at number four on the ranking table, my only inhibition being my inability to throw knives and have them stick. The thing is, I hit the target. My aim was incredible but that goddamn piece of metal never stuck. And when I didn't hit the target, it stuck. __Fucking great.__

I had fought Matt a second time, almost but not quite getting the upper hand. He seemed to have a knack for predicting behaviour and using that to throw people off. He was currently ranking second much to everyone's surprise and nobody dared call him 'stiff', since he'd kicked the crap out them at least once. The guys hardly spoke to him; probably because they were jealous or intimidated or maybe even both. I'd lost another fight to Shane, who was currently in first place while we all eagerly anticipated the day Matt's name appeared beside his so we could see which one of them should be feared the most. It was no doubt everyone was wondering how Matt managed to develop such a masterful fight style and they often tried to mimic him, failing miserably.

The third fight that I had lost was to Sarah, and that was only because Eric laughed at something and it completely threw me off. I had a feeling he did it on purpose. No, I was __sure__ he did it on purpose. I had won against Pete, Rose, Drew and Ky, all erudite and therefore all too strategic and thus easier to beat. They spent too much time trying to decipher or calculate and those few seconds wasted could have been used in a direct attack. Acting spontaneously was the best option in anyone's case.

I hardly slept. I didn't speak and as I stood in the training room for what might be the final time as an initiate, I found myself yawning more than actually raising my arm to throw the knife at the board.

"Sleep isn't optional you know" An oddly confident voice tells me as a platinum blonde figure emerges from God knows where

"Meh" I grunt at him and reach up to ruffle his hair. I'd persuaded him to dye it about three days into training, suggesting that maybe if he made himself look bolder, he'd subliminally become a bolder person. I wasn't sure if it was working or not. The bright blonde made his pale skin look slightly more pigmented by contrast and it brought out the pale grey of his eyes. His new look and new-found self-assurance only boosted his appeal. I'd noticed some of the other girls giving me jealous glares as we walked around together, clearly getting the wrong idea about our friendship.

"Let's do something fun after training" He suggests, swatting my hands away and re-ruffling his hair in the messy-hanging over his face way that he'd recently started to style it in. It was as if he was a completely different person than the stammering, bleak looking guy I'd met on the train a week ago. I spot Rose glowering at me from her position on the mat, not sure if it was because of me and Matthew's physical interaction, or the black eye I'd given to her a few hours earlier.

"Like...hang ourselves off the railing above the chasm until our limbs give way?" I ask, remembering that there's a world that exists outside my own head.

He gives me a half shocked half confused look, trying to decipher if I'm joking or not. I smile at him and he gives an unsure smile in return.

"Ummm...maybe something else" He suggests "We should talk after training though, Scare-ic's giving us the death stare again"

"Scare-ic?"

"Scary merged with Eric. I heard some of the others using it the other day" He grins. I snigger and Eric looks slightly taken aback then his expression turns to a cold glare as Matt ruffles _my_ hair now and stalks away.

Eric was still looking in this direction. So he wasn't looking at _us_ , he was looking at _me_. But why? Normally, I would have stared back making him feel twice as uncomfortable as he's making me but right now the burn of those sky coloured eyes give me an unnerving sense of insecurity and anxiety. Not like I care what he thinks of me, but he's just so uncomfortably attractive. Like a sneering angel with metal shoved through its eyebrow and ears. I avoid falling face first into a box full of knives as I stumble forwards with my equally assaultive gaze.

I was probably going to end up talking to him. I was probably going to insult him. I was going to get myself kicked out of the one place where my words would have not been too much of a problem had I been a perfectly normal functioning human being. I needed a distraction from his face. I look around the crowded training room and try to ignore the insistent urge to lie down and close my eyelids, remembering why I was stood there.

 _ _Why the hell couldn't I throw knives?__

I could do literally everything but get that little piece of sharpened steel to stick in the wall.

Throw. Bounce. Throw. Bounce. Throw. Bounce. Throw and then fucking bounce.

This was getting irritating. I didn't have to be here. After training, I should catch up on my sleep instead of staying up all night practising again. I was definitely getting through stage one and I didn't have to be the best at everything.

 _ _But I did.__

Training was almost over and if it wasn't for Matthew, I wouldn't be leaving this place until that goddamn metal stuck in the right place! I'm getting no better at this but consistently better at everything else which makes me want to rip a tree out of the ground with my bare hands.

"You okay there Lorraine?" Tris asks, noticing my extreme but not so obvious struggle with knife throwing.

I nod.

"You're doing really well by the way" She points out.

I nod once more.

"Oh so umm, dauntless is pretty great isn't it"

"Almost as great as the feeling of burning alive" I say, completely straight faced. She - as everyone does - searches my face for a hint of humour.

"Oh umm...I just...I'm here if you need anything, okay?" She says, trying not to appear so confused.

I nod. I really can't be trusted to open my mouth again.

I was speaking to her? So, I spoke to her and I spoke to Matthew. Maybe it was an Abnegation thing. I walk over to the punching bags and join Matthew, seeing as training is almost over for the day.

"Get a tattoo" I tell him.

"Will you get one too?" He asks, raising an eyebrow at me.

I thought about the possibility of having indelible ink forced into the lower layer of my skin via needle and decided against it.

"I'll get a piercing" I say.

"Where?" He asks, doubting the validity of my statement.

"I'll decide when the time comes. So will you get a tattoo or not?"

He looks at me anxiously, considering the possible outcomes of my suggestion. Somehow, after two solid minutes of persuasion and almost dismembering him as I dragged him into the tattoo parlour, Matthew was seated in front of me describing his tattoo design to a bitchy looking girl with red streaks in her dark hair. Peer pressure tends to often be unanimous when you only have one friend.

"Why are you always so sarcastic?" He asked me while the tattooist was disinfecting his upper arm.

"It's a defence mechanism" I shrug.

"Really?"

I stop myself from answering 'no' and alternatively settle for just nodding my head, as much as it physically pains me to do so.

"What are you deflecting from?" His voice raises slightly at the sound of the buzzing ink needle being turned on.

"The truth I guess. I don't like acknowledging it most of the time" I mumble, shoving a pale green grape in my mouth. Why am I even eating these gross water filled spheres?

"What truth exactly?" He winces as the needle touches his skin.

"Like I dunno. Ummm...Life is pointless because we're all going to die and nothing will matter when the sun explodes and the earth dies and the universe will collapse in on itself from its own mass all while our lives will be less insignificant than a trillionth of a millisecond" I say casually.

"That is kind of depressing to think about" He scratches the back of his neck with his unoccupied hand.

"Yeah but it makes it so much easier to make stupid decisions" I say, throwing a grape at him. He catches it in his mouth and the tattoo artist rolls her eyes.

"Don't distract me" She warns.

"Yeah, don't distract her" Matthew repeats, though not as authoritatively.

I fling another two grapes at him and watch the tattooist roll her eyes at me.

"If you ever decide to get one of these, just know I'll personally ask to do yours just to fuck it up" She threatens. I raise my arm to throw another grape but Matthew shakes his head frantically at me as a warning. Or maybe out of concern for the quality of the permanent ink stain being jabbed into his arm.

"Why would you want to make stupid decisions?" He asks frowning as he catches my gaze.

"I really hate green grapes" I say, throwing another one at him. He raises an eyebrow.

"Why do you avoid answering questions you clearly know the answer to?"

"This feels like an interrogation" I sigh.

"You're doing it again!" He exclaims.

"We have bigger issues to worry about than me and my deflective tendencies Matthew"

"Like what?" He asks "I'm not entirely disagreeing, I just want some examples"

"Well for one, I can't throw a fucking knife right!"

"So ask for the help"

"I can't"

"You've gotta" He says.

"No, I physically can't. Tris is no help when it comes to improvements and if I ask anyone else I'll get myself killed"

"Trust me when I say, you don't have to open your mouth to offend anybody" The tattooist murmurs.

"You don't offend me that much" Matt defensively replies.

"Yeah because I don't have to, you're so self depreciating that it's almost like me reading your mind"

"Okay. You're not even...cruel. You say it so casually. It kinda hurts even more that way"

"Matt. Can I call you Matt? I don't care I'm calling you Matt anyway. Matt, there is no other way I can say it"

"Okay then. Just don't speak" He says "Better yet, don't even look at people. You have this expression on your face sometimes - like you're constantly plotting a murder"

"I am"

When his tattoo is done, he asks me for my opinion on it before looking in the mirror and I tell him it looks like a bird shat on it and Tori decided to outline that. He panicked and I laughed then told him that it's amazing because it honestly was. It's an outline of a Robin to coincide with his younger brother's name. It's pretty and simple, the dark black outline contrasting incredibly on his pale skin but of course he's anxiously doubting the coherency after staring at it for too long.

"It's permanent" He touches the slightly swollen skin and traces the outline one more, mouth hanging open slightly.

"Matthew my dear" I say, wrapping an arm around his bony shoulder "Nothing is __ever__ permanent"


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's note: I'm actually getting somewhere with the plot. This chapter is looooooooong, l and I've pretty much just lost control writing this. Also, we finally get some interraction with Lorraine+Eric after 50million years yay. R &R pls guys :*  
**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Divergent.**

* * *

 _And you would do almost anything just to feel free._

 _Am I right? Of course I am_

 _Convince me otherwise would take all night_

 _Before you walk away, there's one more thing I want to say_

 _Our brains are sick but that's okay_

 _;Fake you Out21piolots_

* * *

 **Eric**

I was running low on drugs. After repeatedly rummaging through the box I kept underneath my bed I decided there wasn't even enough to ration and the guys that usually provided me with them were avoiding me. Whatever. I could deal without drugs, I wasn't an addict. I was just bored and since nobody around here was going to entertain me, the lack of narcotics was honestly getting to me.

"Lorraine doesn't talk" Four breaks the silence of dinner that night with his genius observational skills.

"She talks to me" Tris responds, trying to suppress a smile.

Bullshit.

"Bullshit" Four chokes out, then instantly shys away from Tris when she glares at him.

"What makes you so special?" I ask.

"Tris isn't scary?" Marlene suggests as if it's the most obvious answer.

"That girl isn't scared of either of us. Have you seen the way she looks at people?" Four says to Marlene, though still looking at Tris.

"She is kind of worrying" Tris pipes up "Some of the things she says are a little...messed up"

I thought about it for a moment. A little messed up was probably the only thing that was going to get me through these next few days and if Tris was right, then I was even more eager to get her to respond to me one way or another. Looking at her was kind of like looking at a wet paint sign. Touching it would be wrong and completely awful for everyone involved but it was so inexplicably tempting that eventually you'd have to. And you'd be fine, the urge to do something you clearly shouldn't now gone.

 _I just needed to touch the paint once...then I'd be fine._

"I gotta go" Four stands up "Zeke can you do target practice with initiates for me?"

"Sure" Zeke shrugs.

A few moments later Tris stands up to leave also "I think I have to go too. Marlene could you cover training for me too? I've umm got umm...stuff to do"

"You mean Four. You're doing Four" I roll my eyes.

She opens her mouth to speak but no words come out.

"Just go fuck your boyfriend in peace" I roll my eyes at her and she shuffles away, face bright red. I've had enough of their programmed modesty bullshit. Who needs a filter? A simple 'we're gonna go have sex' won't ruffle anyone's feathers. Its like they're not even trying to get rid of their old faction mentality.

I check my watch as the others clear off. 10pm. I couldn't sleep now. For some reason I was feeling jumpy and the urge to take some kind of neural modifier was stronger than ever. What kind of therapeutic shit do people do when they feel like this? _Fuck? Fight?_ I remember Tris and Four's abrupt exit from the dinner table and decide to go for fight. I'd go back to my room once I was sure their...nightly activities were over.

As I stand just outside the training room, I hear the clang of metal hitting metal followed by an angry grunt. I peer inside and see exactly what I need to get me out of this irritable mood standing in front of a target board aiming a knife at it.

"Are you trying to batter the damn thing?" I say, making her jump as I wander out of the doorway.

Silence.

"I'm talking to you"

"I said..." I stand in front of her as she raises another knife "...I'm talking to you"

"And I'm ignoring you" I try not to look too shocked by her words. Or her voice. It wasn't monotone, like her facial expression that followed. It was kind of sing-songy and child-like.

"She speaks" I raise an eyebrow at her and she mirrors me, twisting the blade between her fingers "Any reason in particular why?"

"A reward for your helpfulness" She grins bittersweetly. I hadn't realised just how attractive that grin was until now, even in a room with less light availabe than on the dark side of the moon. Instead of just standing there gawking at her, I grab the weapon from her hand before she has time to react and launch it towards the target board, hitting the centre dead-on.

"You hold it too tightly. You only hold it tightly if you're sure you can deliver the strength as well as accuracy. And you can't"

"I'm not weak" She says, picking up another knife from the tray.

"Yeah but look at the way you're built. Don't try to channel strength where there is none. Angle the knife and hold it higher up. You weren't doing it right"

"I was" She says defensively.

"Take the advice. Do it right this time or I'll stab you"

"Because you want an excuse to stab me?"

"No, because I'm _sure_ I won't have to stab you" I inform her, trying to hide the slight doubt in my voice. If she didn't do it then I was definitely going to have to stab her.

"I really wish I was naive enough to believe that" She mumbles under her breath.

I couldn't tell if I was meant to hear it or not but I didn't respond. She stares at the knife for a few moments then angles it in her hand, aiming it higher, and holding it slightly looser than before. She releases it and I watch as it slices through the air, a blur of refractive silver contrasted against the dimly lit training room.

It sticks. Right in the center of the board beside the one I'd thrown earlier.

"That's all you needed" I chuckle "To ask for help. To admit you couldn't do it on your own"

"I literally just did it on my own" She scoffs.

"Only because I told you how to do it right"

"Or maybe I'm just afraid of getting stabbed" She suggests.

I search her face for a hint of truth in that statement and find none. I'm certain that even if I'd had to stab her, she'd still have that expressionless look on her face, biting back a sarcastic comment or grinning at me. Did she ever even laugh?

"Control is key. You can ready your aim all you want but if you don't control it...it doesn't do what you want"

"Everything does what I want" She says, without doubt. I couldn't disagree with her. I was having my first ever conversation with her and I was pretty sure even I would do what she wanted if she asked. She had this air about her. Not just the way she looked at you, but the way she did everything. Even when she was putting effort into something, it didn't seem like it. She gave nothing away about herself, and that just made me all the more curious. _Who is she, and why does she make my brain feel as if it was melting?_

"Just because you're good at running-"

"I'm incredible at running" She interjects.

"Don't push it" I chuckle.

"I will. What are you gonna do about it?" She says, squaring up to me as if she's six foot and not 5 foot six.

"This" I grab one of her arms and squeeze, as lightly as I can, which I know with my strength, could still probably break something.

"Wanna try and punch me?" I challenge, reaching for the other arm, but she already predicts my move and swipes it away before I get the chance to.

"As much as I'd like to, it appears my arm is being held in a death grip so that may be slightly unattainable." She points out.

"Use your other arm. Luckily you still have two at the moment because this one feels like it's about to snap any minute now" I say, squeezing it slightly harder.

"Snap my arm and I'll snap your dick, jackass" She retorts.

"You'll definitely need two arms for that" I state, winking at her.

"Wow you are such a narcissist"

"Takes one to know one"

"You're a child" She says accusingly, trying to pull her arm out of my grip.

"Fight me bitch" I challenge.

"Maybe I...fucking...will" She says, lunging her right arm at me. I dodge and she slides her other one out of my grip, shaking it out. A yawn escapes her throat and she immediately covers it up with her hand.

"Getting tired?" I ask, dodging the weak punch she swings towards my throat. Her breaths are rough and silent, most of her exhaustion imminent in the decreasing quality of her attacks.

"May...be" She slurs out.

Instead of dodging another wispy punch floating towards me, I instead grasp her small wrist as easily as if I were popping a bobble traveling through the air and raise an eyebrow at her.

"I'm way too tired for this. I give up" She yawns once more, rubbing her eyes with the back of her hand. Her gaze travels to me, her angular eyes downcast. I hadn't realized just how much weight the bottom of her eyelids held. They don't alter her appearance that much, but they make her look more miserable than she should. Or maybe she was? Who knew with her. I wonder if I was just too distracted by her to notice how sleep deprived she was or if she just hid it well.

She turns to walk away, slowly shuffling towards the end of the room. I try not to stare at her ass as she does but my nonexistent self control means that I do. For some reason, it takes me longer than usual to notice her turn around and run towards me, tackling me down to the ground and straddling me. She holds her arm to the base of my jaw, applying enough pressure that the back of my head digs into the cold, hard floor.

"I win" She breathes. I lift a hand to her face, lightly tapping the red liquid pooling by the side of her forehead.

"You're bleeding" I mumble.

I look down at my fingernail and realise that in her attempt to floor me, her forehead had collided with my hand and one of my fingernails had jabbed her. I look up at the crescent shape wound and then notice her sinking body, which appears to be lifeless. I feel her head drop down onto my shoulder, silently drawing out long, silent breaths.

She's asleep.

Her weight is almost a negligible addition to the air above me and I don't struggle to shift myself upwards and hold her in place while I stand up as gently as I possibly could without waking her. How had I managed to lose a fight with my opponent suffering from sleep deprivation so severe, she couldn't even stay awake for a single moment after she'd announced her win? I had seriously let my guard down. The base of her waist is not comfortable. As I hold my arms around her sides, trying to lift her up around my shoulder her elbows poke me in the chest and I'm pretty sure I'm bruised somewhere from this disastrous attempt.

An alternative to taking her back to her dorm room would be to take her to mine to avoid anyone that might see me carrying her lifeless body into her bed in the middle of the night and get the wrong idea. Then I remember Tris and Four. Even she probably couldn't sleep through that trainwreck. I could risk it. I get her back to the dorm unnoticed and silently slink out, thanking God that Four's occupied and not patrolling their rooms today like he usually does since last year's incident involving butter knives and eyeballs.

"Eric"

Shit. How much did he see?

"Get packed, we've got a meeting at Erudite in the morning. Jeanine's car's arriving in half an hour" He instructs me.

"Why are we leaving now?"

"Her car's got a busy schedule apparently" He sighs, walking towards the direction of the initiate's dorm "What were you doing here?" He asks me, peering into the room suspiciously.

"Being responsible" I respond, walking in the other direction as he is so he can't see the smirk on my face.

Four leads the way into the office and Max I follow authoritatively, the three of us dressed in immaculate all black formal suits. Jeanine Matthews stands before us in an equally immaculate knee length blue skirt and bleach white shirt with ruffles down the front. Every time I saw this woman she practically oozed pretentious and even though it was always for a meeting, she'd always been ready to educate and not inform.

"Good evening gentlemen" She beckons us towards the large glass table in the center of the room "Sit"

We take our places on either side of the rectangle and wait for her to begin.

"Now, the information I'm about to share is highly classified and I need you to understand that it can't be repeated to _anyone_ " She looks directly at Four as she speaks, warning him. She clears her throat and speaks again "I'm awfully sorry to begin this meeting with a scold but I'm afraid that I must. It seems we are still plagued with the issue of the factionless overpowering the guards you have placed at Amity compounds and we have in turn, lost a myriad of resources due to their incompetence"

"We're taking care of it. Training has become more intense and we're catching them out early" Max contributes, clearly not aware that she wasn't expecting a response.

She clears her throat again and gives Max a smile in response for deviating from the script she had already written in her mind.

"I am here to speak to you about the increasing divergent issue"

Divergents?

"They threaten the system" She informs us.

"The system that our founders spent so much time and resources trying to implement to ensure peace was attained through systematic order and compliance" She continues "They are extremely dangerous to the future of our city. And noe, we can no longer trust those who hold the higher positions of authority to do their job anymore"

Those being the Abnegation - of course. Apart from the Divergents, those self righteous stiffs were the biggest threat to anyone who wanted to land a position of authority.

"But aren't they all caught out before most initiation processes are complete?" Four asks.

"So we'd like to think" She frowns.

"My sources tell me that most of them resort to seeking refuge in Abnegation. They are harboring highly dangerous personnel and therefore can no longer be trusted to be held in such high authority"

I nod. Her logic is sound.

"So what like, they're neurologically damaged or something?" I ask, trying to understand a little better.

"I wish I knew for certain. But it is almost Impossible to tell without a live test subject" She sighs.

"How do we fix the issue?" Max asks this time.

"We must eradicate the Abbegation"

None of us speak.

"Like...we kill all of them?" Max asks.

"It's the __only__ way" She sighs, pretending to be apologetic.

It didn't make any sense. Take down a whole faction because they were harboring people that seemed to be so easily identified? Or take down a whole faction because she couldn't get the upper hand in leadership anymore and figured out eradicating the only thing that was standing in the way of her desired reign of tyranny was the only option she had left?

"More details about the nature of my imposed solution is to follow" She grins, picking up a slim silver tablet from the desk and tapping a code onto it.

"Another meeting will occur to discuss the new developments in simulation technology and how your faction will be integrated into the clearance will take place this same time next week. You will meet with my leading scientists and receive all the information and assistance that you need. I expect this to be carried out in less than three week's time. Maybe sooner. Are we all understood gentlemen?" She asks us. We expel a chorus of "Yeah's" and make our way out of the office.

As we left the office, Four stands by the door for a few moments longer than necessary, grim expression taking over his face.

"Faction before blood remember" I remind him.

"What if it was Erudite she wanted to mass murder? Would you still give me that crap?" He spits out, trying - and failing miserably - to spark some emotion in me.

"There's nothing left for me here at Erudite. You should realise that nothing's there for you at Abnegation either. It's just a job Four. We've gotta do what we've gotta do"

"Yeah...I guess you're right" He murmers.

When we arrive back at Dauntless, the others are eating lunch in the hall and the three of us pile in, Max stowing away to sit with the older guys at a table further away from ours.

"Tobias!" Tris beams as he takes a seat at the table.

Do the two of them always have to be so... _extra_?

"Oh come on, he's been gone for like twelve hours" I say, rolling my eyes at her.

"Yeah and I've missed him" She states, holding his hand in that sickening way that she does, trying to claim him or something.

"Get a grip. He's a person not your life support" I scoff.

"You're more unpleasant than usual" Four points out "Should we be worried that you'll take it out on an initiate __again__?" He looks at Christina who is currently waving over Tris from her table right beside ours.

"Whatever. Just know, I'm not dealing with that sorry bunch tomorrow. That's your fucking problem. I've got shit to do" I say, looking at the clock. I literally had nowhere to be and nothing to do. Why do I feel so restless?

"You don't wanna get beaten by my team at capture the flag again this year?" Four asks cockily.

"It was a fluke"

"How about me and you this time Eric. I'll lead a team this year" Tris smiles.

"You really think you can beat me? Fine, game on" I mumble.

"I can totally beat you!" She brags.

"Whatever. I'm fucking tired. I'm gonna go take a nap, could the two of you try not to fuck while I do?"

Four's eyes widen as if I've just insulted him and Tris stands up, holding a hand against her mouth as she gasps.

"Thin walls" I remind him.

Our apartments are unfortunately adjacent to one another, the infrastructure of the leadership compounds was so pathetic, I heard every gross thing that went on in the room beside me and in turn, they had to deal with whatever I decided to bring home with me after a party or even just a very boring day.

"When was the last time you got laid anyway, nose?" Tris teases, summoning up confidence from a place I wasn't entirely sure even existed within her. Was I especially irritable this morning or was she just especially annoying?

"Shut up" I growl. She giggles and wanders away from the table towards the direction of Christina.

I want to hit something. These people were going to drive me to insanity. As if on cue, Lorraine stumbles into the cafeteria as if she'd just been pushed and scans the area for someone before taking a seat on the chair closest to the door. Her hair is let out for once and flows freely down onto her shoulders, springy curls bouncing as she turns her head from side to side, still looking for someone. I also notice the small silver loop that's hooked through the center of her nostrils. She must have gotten it done this morning. It makes her look kind of ethereal and less intimidating like most piercings tend to do to people. There's a conversation going on in the distance and I can vaguely hear somebody mention my name but for some reason I'm more interested in seeing what or who exactly Lorraine was looking for.

"Why are you always staring at her" Four turns to look at me, jaw clenched.

"What?" I glare back at him.

"Stop looking at her"

"And who are you? The goddamn eye police?" I scoff.

"How did she get that cut on her forehead?" He challenges.

"What cut on her forehead?"

From here, it's hardly noticeable. Not unless you're looking for something out of place. Not to mention her hair obscures most of the side of her head so you would have to be looking at her almost as much as I did to notice a cut that small and shallow.

"I mean it. She's not yours to abuse" He warns. A warning from Four to me was the equivalent of a Lamb squaring up to a wolf.

"She's not anything of yours either" I remind him "Does your girlfriend know that you're on the lookout for another initiate to fuck this year? Is this a tradition of yours or something?"

"Say that again I fucking dare you" He slams his fists down onto the table and springs up out of his seat.

"I didn't come here to win a fight but I guess I'm gonna have to" I sigh, standing up calmly.

"Hey hey!" Tris runs over to where he's stood, placing a hand on his arm gently to calm him down.

"None of that today!" She releases her grip on his arm "Or _any_ day" She says, looking at me to clarify her original statement "What's all this about?"

Four says nothing, looking down at his lunch "So what, neither of you are going to talk?" She asks, looking at me this time.

I also stare at my food in silence. What exactly were we arguing about? Lorraine? Why was he ready to get beat up because of her?

"Four?" She raises an eyebrow at him and he mumbles something incoherent before looking back up at her "Okay fine. I guess I don't need to know" She sighs.

I chuckle as she leaves the the table.

"Couldn't tell her?"

"It's not like that" He shakes his head.

"Whatever" I shrug. I don't care what it's like. I was going.

Seeing as he's not going to leave anytime soon, I venture towards the door and stop once I see a pair of slightly less tired doe eyes staring at me from a seat by the door.

"What?" I ask her.

"Your nose is bleeding" She informs me.

"Shit" I mumble and tilt my head backwards on instinct. I'm still wearing the suit I wore to the meeting this morning.

"No, don't do that you'll choke to death on your own blood" She instructs me, gently pulling my head down with both her hands.

"Maybe I want to" I mumble to myself.

I pick up a handful of napkins from the side of her plate and hold them under my nose to catch the

"Well then I'm sorry for tilting your head downwards when you so very clearly wanted to die chocking in a pool of your own nasal blood" She inquires. I grin at her and her expression stays solid.

"Sort of ironic how you're the one that just got a hole poked through your nose and I'm the one with the nosebleed"

"Stop talking" She pinches the bridge of my nose with her thumb and forefinger.

"You sleep like a corpse, you know that?" I say, once she's removed her hand from my nasal airway and I can breathe again. I think she was trying not to smile but who could tell with a face as unrelenting as a mountain "Sorry about your forehead by the way"

"Please stop talking" She sighs.

"Why?"

"Because when you do, I have to respond to you" She sighs once more.

"You think I liked it better when you didn't speak?" I ask her.

She doesn't respond.

"So we're back to this?"

"Eric" She begins "I don't talk to people"

"I'm pretty sure this thing we're doing right now is talking" I say matter of factly. She sighs yet again time and gets up, turning to walk out of the food hall "Where are you going?" I ask her.

"Away" She responds, already halfway out the door.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Got a new charger so I'll actually be getting shit done yay. Umm yeah so thank you so much to all you incredible people who've faved/followed this story it really means a lot to me. Please please please review it and give me any criticisms/advice/compliments or whatever becaus eit would really help if I knew what most people actually think about the story in general. Love you all! x**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Divergent**

* * *

 _She lost her voice down by the river_

 _Screaming for courage to take oceans under_

 _She read your mind and called it a terror_

 _Misplacing her sleep to keep the world nearer_

 _Flood on the floor - Purity Ring_

* * *

 ** **Lorraine****

"You okay with the plan hippie girl?" A dauntless born girl Effy asks me, as if I have a choice. As the lightest person on the team, I was the safest bet at climbing up in the tree that the opposing team's flag was on and retrieving it. Whether I was okay with it or not wasn't really up to me, but I appreciated her effort.

"Somebody should probably go with her. Make sure she doesn't run into any trouble on the way" Cain suggests uncharacteristically. I suppress a yawn and nod, assuming that he'd subliminally volunteered. I could stand Cain. He was kind of angsty and depressing, but in the fun way. He was the kind of enthusiastic brooder I enjoyed being around. No bullshit, no friendliness, he'd just do everything as he should when he should. Extremely similar to me only without the sleep deprivation and lack of speech.

"I'll go" A stern voice calls out from behind me.

No you damn well won't.

"I don't mind taking her" Cain replies.

"I didn't ask" Eric replies, already grabbing my arm and pulling me away from the group. I'm too tired to deal with this boy's bullshit today. What was his obsession with me? All I did was bullshit and stare at people. Was he into that? I resist the urge to laugh at my overconfidence. Eric could never be into me like that. He had too much of his life in order. People like Eric found sane, pretty girls who probably didn't find any opportunity to be a bitch or make people uncomfortable. Not that I care. I didn't need someone like Eric to like me. He was probably just bored and mind games tend to be the most productive when the other party is difficult.

"You know which tree you're climbing from Raine?"

I raise an eyebrow at him and he chuckles to himself. It's a good thing he finds himself so amusing because at this point I was ready to rip my own larynx out with my bare hands just to avoid the inevitability that was responding to his irritating comments.

"You gonna answer me?" He grins.

"Apparently so" I say. There. Done. That's it. I'm weak. I'm tired...I'm oh-so curious as to where exactly a conversation with him will lead to that I'm being a fucking idiot and speaking to an authority figure. With my smart ass fucking mouth.

"I'm gonna start climbing now" I say. So far so good.

I scale the tree furthest away from him, my cold hands clinging to the bark like dry ice on a tongue. Once I reach the point in the tree that's equidistant from the location on the tree where the flag is situated, I jump from one branch to the next and it gives in slightly, making a silent cracking noise.

"Did that sound like the wind?" I ask him, trying to hide the uncertainty in my voice. I was quite a considerable height off the ground and I think the group underestimated my weight or overestimated the strength of a tree branch because this was probably not going to end well.

"A little, yeah" He whispers, just about loud enough for me to hear. He brings out his paintball gun and positions it up, ready to attack any opposing team members that were lurking in the shadows. I would do the same but I needed my centre of gravity to be as stable as I could possibly get it. I thank whoever it is that's up there for the fact that it's a windy night and the sound of rustling leaves and whistling wind can't be distinguished from the silent cacophony that follows my journey to their team flag. As I land on the last tree, I feel the impact of my weight bending the branch slightly, and I hold myself in a still position for a few moments to avoid aggravating it. Almost way too easily, I reach the penultimate tree and grab the branch above me with both hands, swinging myself forwards and backwards, giving myself enough momentum.

As I let go of the branch, I launch myself towards the direction of the, gripping another low lying branch with both hands, my feet scrambling to maintain balance on the thin branch they've been placed upon. I look down momentarily at the guards around the tree, making sure that none of them had noticed my approach. Their flag is just an arms reach away and ripping it off the branch is the last thing I remember before something beneath me gives way and I find myself tumbling downwards, the air around me suddenly becoming a blur.

I land directly in a mass of thorny bushes on my left side and the stinging ache is so excruciating that I have to bite on the side of my hand to stop myself from crying out. I hoist myself up onto my elbows and shield my face with one arm before crawling out of the bush and collapsing down on the ground in front of the crowd of people now gathered at the base of the bush, awaiting my arrival. I try to ignore the searing pain ebbing through my side and shift myself upwards into a seated position.

"Got it" I say, keeping the pain out of my voice. I get up and nonchalantly brush myself off, as if I didn't feel like screaming.

Among the joyous cries of triumph and dismay, there is me. In way more pain than I'd like to admit, and eagerly anticipating an escape from all this required socialisation and displays of emotion before I collapsed.

Once we'd returned back to dauntless, everyone diffuses out apart from myself and Eric. Because somehow I just keep managing to end up in the worst situation imaginable.

"Come with me" He grips the side of my arm firmly and drags me towards the direction of the infirmary. His gaze was focussed on my side which I realised I still hadn't had an opportunity to properly inspect it since almost falling to my death. I'd been too busy trying to ignore it.

"Sit down" He orders when we reach the infirmary "It's bad, by the way"

"I can handle bad" I raise an eyebrow at him and gaze down at the site of injury.

Okay yes it was bad. And the only reason it was bad was because a more accurate description would have been grotesque. When I'd first fallen, it felt like a graze, maybe even an especially heavy bruise, but this disaster zone on the side of my body was possibly the most repulsive flesh wound in existence. Somehow I'd managed to not only get a myriad of twigs and thorns stuck into it, but I'd also not realised that I'd been stabbed. And there was a net of dried blood staining my top in that beautiful way that dried blood tends to adhere to cotton.

"The blood has dried and stuck the shirt to your skin-"

"No shit" I roll my eyes at him.

"-so I'm gonna have to cut it off" He says, ignoring my comment.

"You really won't" I protest.

"I have to" He said, peeling the black tank top off my hip and away from my body. I understood what he meant. The further he pulled it up the more agonising the pain was. At some point, it felt as if he was trying to peel my own skin off my body "Relax, my mom's a doctor" He says somewhat assuringly. But it was Eric so it wasn't.

"It's not within my human capacity to relax with you around" I yawn.

"Well then do some of your hippy relaxation shit. Because this _will_ hurt" His tone went back to the harsh, cold trainer default that it was usually set to.

"Oh dammit, I left my tambourine in the barn" I mock-sigh. I think I saw the side of his lip twitch as he suppressed a smile.

From the drawer to his side he retrieves a pair of shiny metal scissors and looks me directly in the eye before speaking again.

"Hold still or I'll probably stab you"

"Probably" I repeat, wondering how much of an accident it would be if he did.

He cut around where the gaping wound was, carefully lifting it up around the sides so that he didn't stab me - thankfully. About halfway through gently slicing through the thin material, his hand brushed lightly against my left boob briefly and I felt a sort of weird shiver travel through me, kind of like being electrocuted gently. He didn't look up, or acknowledge it but I know he knew.

I was brought back to the wonderful reality before me when I heard the clang of steel on steel as he dropped the scissors onto the tray. Before my brain was reminded that hesitation existed, I pulled the practically shredded material off my body. He seemed indifferent to my exposed torso and I feel a sudden inclination to look down at my almost exposed chest and check that my boobs were still at their aforementioned location.

"Your boobs are fine" He sighs, noticing my travelling gaze.

"Thank goodness for that" I murmur.

"I'm gonna have to pull the material away from the wound now"

"Quickly or slowly?"

"I haven't decided yet" He says, placing a latex glove on one hand, his evil grin making a reappearance.

I wasn't going to shut my eyes. I wasn't even going to clench my fists. I was going to stare him right in the eye and grin through whatever length of pain he deemed appropriate, because I like making a show of my high levels of tolerance. It was hardly necessary though,because he decided on quickly.

As soon as the wound was exposed to air I felt a sense of relief wash over me. It still hurt, it just wasn't a dull pain anymore and somehow that made me feel better.

"Shit" He smiles again. Why? Probably because he's a dickhead.

I stare down at the exposed flesh, also smiling. Sticking out of the gash was a myriad of leaves, twigs, stalks and what seemed to be a sample of every single species of woodland found in that forrest.

"Seems like you're more plant than girl now" He laughs to himself. I don't laugh back. If I laugh, he wins. What do I say to that?

"I don't like being ignored, _initiate_ " Authority Eric was back. _Fun_.

I hold up a hand and inspect my nails for a few seconds, watching the fury cloud his expression. He was so easily agitated I wonder how he didn't spontaneously combust multiple times a day. Irritating him on purpose was way more fun than just refusing to speak.

"You're not gonna talk?"

Now was not the time for talking. I'd already said way more than enough to him.

"Okay" He says calmly.

Well...I was probably going to die.

He stands up and walks over to the sink with a bottle in his hands.

"I could tell you the exact math that goes into figuring out how much bacteria has and will go on to multiply in that festering mound of exposed flesh but..." He tips over the bottle, the sound of liquid hitting metal rippling through the room. It had started off with being filled up about three quarters of the bottle and now it was a little under a third.

"So I'm probably going to get gangrene and die because you want to have a conversation?" I say.

"Pretty..." Another tip "...much"

I watch as he drains the bottle down to halfway. He pauses for a moment and swirls around the transparent liquid

"What do you even want me to say?" I ask. Why was he so persistent on having me speak to him?

"Figure something out. That's not my job"

"You're kind of cruel" I state.

"Kind of" He repeats, increasing the incline of the angle at which he's holding the bottle at.

I continue staring at him, then decide to do something before I become more bacteria than plant and cause a whole lot of other problems for myself. I walk over to him, ignoring the pain in my side, and he places the bottle down as he sees me approaching.

"We'll have a conversation. Not because I want to. But because I can put your cruelty aside for the sake of my health"

"I'm only kind of cruel though" He reminds me. He walks back to the tray of medical equipment and pickes up a bowl of cotton balls.

I trailed back to the chair, sighing and taking a seat.

"You are so fucking gullible" He smirks.

I pause.

"Work on your skills of observation" He picks up another bottle of antiseptic from the tray and shakes it, chuckling as he does so.

"This is probably gonna sting like a bitch" He mumbles.

"I actually really like the feeling of my exposed flesh being stung by alcohol" I grin. It was partly true. I did slightly enjoy the stinging feeling lingering on my flesh.

After he cleans the wound, he bandages it up and I feel slightly better even though the pain has barely subsided.

"Thanks" I manage to say.

"For not letting the left side of my body putrefy"

"It took way more restraint than you would have thought"

I scan the area for the remnants of my tank top and find no sign of it anywhere. As my eyes travel back up to Eric, holds out what at first glance I thought was my top, but it turned out to be his hoodie.

"It's cold. I expect it back" He warns.

"Maybe if you're good" I reply, taking it from him before he has time to change his mind. It's large and warm and smells of him, which kind of makes me feel like actually keeping it for no clear reason.

"What about your hip?" He asks me as I reach the doorway.

"Yeah it's still there. I checked" I say, hovering by the door-frame, eager to leave before there's an insistence on me being victim to any more of Eric's methods of healthcare.

"Want me to take a look at it?"

"No it's fine" I lied. It hurt like hell but I know it wasn't anything serious. Even if it was, it wasn't his problem. I', almost certain there wasn't any dislocation or fracture so I could handle pretending to be okay until it heals. It was probably just tissue damage, nothing major. I couldn't have my physical health failing me when my mental health had already malfunctioned severely.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N:Behold, a new chapter.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Divergent**

* * *

 _The game played here's got the strangest rules_

 _The game played here has got no rules_

 _The pain is life, the pain is death_

 _It's plain as life, and plain as breath_

 _;Roots Manuva - Stolen Youth_

* * *

 **Eric**

"You okay there Eric?"

"Worry about yourself" I reply to the irritating voice behind me. Uriah was joining this meeting to learn of our plans for the impending Divergent cleanse. Only the four of us were aware of the plans, Uriah being left in the dark about a few minor details. I notice he's almost as downcast as Four and consider asking him what his deal is but then I realise I don't care. Besides, I was down to my last couple of morphine pills and recreational drugs just weren't doing it for me anymore, even though they were easier to access. I needed the shit made in a lab.

I haven't been to work sober in months and the mountain of information demanding to be registered on my computer is enough to give me a headache. They'd wanted numbers; heights, weights, ages, all of it. For every faction member. I couldn't do it without any form of cognitive enhancer so I ignored it and got ready for another ridiculously early meeting at Erudite, as if I was currently a fully functioning member of society.

Walking through the labs again brought back a warped sense of nostalgia and nausea that I was eager to get rid of. I hadn't been here since I'd left and I wasn't thrilled to be back.

"Our lead simulation scientist has just made a major breakthrough" Jeanine informs us proudly, as if the accomplishment were mainly her doing.

"Dr Coulter" Jeanine beckons towards the sliding glass doors that led into a neat white lab. Her pale blonde hair was the same as always, packed away in a neat bun at the back of her head, and she looked up momentarily as we filed in.

"Ah hello" She delivers a bittersweet smile to us and I hear Four chuckle quietly beside me.

"My, don't you boys look dashing" She laughs airily, "If you'll follow me, I shall explain to you how my simulation works"

We trail after her like a herd of sheep, weaving through desks and experiment set ups until we reach one with a series of dark purple liquids being held in syringes and test tubes. Four whispers something that causes Uriah to laugh and I have to refrain from kicking his ass right now because there's so much glassware around.

"You must ensure everyone gets a dosage proportional to their BMI. Once they're injected, the Divergents will be easily identified. They aren't influenced by the serum and you must terminate them immediately. You will be injecting _everyone_. No exceptions"

"What do we tell them is in this stuff?" Uriah asks, swirling around a tube filled with the dark purple liquid.

"A message will be sent out about it being an immunisation. People will ask questions but of course, there'll be no refusals"

"You really did think of everything" I murmur.

"It's for the good of our city Eric"

I roll my eyes at her. She didn't care about keeping people safe. She cared about people singing her praises.

"Do you boys mind giving me and my son some privacy?" She asks, sickly white smile plastered onto her face. They leave the room slightly dazed, as if she's cast some sort of spell on them. Once the door slides shut, she turns to face me and her smile falters slightly.

"You look well" She says.

 _I feel like shit_

"And you look old" I reply.

She laughs.

"You were always quite brusque" She grins at me "Always followed the rules, never questioned anything. The perfect son but...harsh. Even to his own mother"

"Eric. We've never spoken of matters like these before and I apologise for leaving you in the dark. There is so much you must know"

"About what?"

"Divergents." She pauses "They are extremely dangerous. They are the ones who have started terrible wars and destroyed entire civilisations. The faction system was created as a way of bringing together the psychologically stable. Those who don't fit into these categories are a serious threat to the future of this city. They have no impulse control. They're a serious threat and we must work together to eradicate them. I hope you understand why our methods may seem slightly unorthodox"

"I understand"

"I'm running some experiments" She informs me giddily.

"Aren't you always?"

"This one is different. Eric, have you ever considered deferring factions? I need you-"

"No"

She nods understandingly "Consider it. I need you to do something for me"

"I need you to bring me a live test subject. I shall not be in collaboration with Jeanine for these neurological experiments. My practices are a little... _different_ to hers"

"Okay" I shrug "Is that it?"

"Also...myself and Jeanine have a mission for you" She says "You mustn't speak of this to anyone. Message Jeanine on your tablet when it's done" She reaches into her pocket for a note and she hands it to me before dismissing me and returning to her work.

As I walk out, I pass Katherine - her assistant and momentarily stop by the desk nonchalantly, making it seem as if I'm just asking for information.

"It certainly has been a while" She says, not taking her eyes off the computer screen in front of her.

"You got it?"

"Manners Eric" She grins at me, retrieving the plastic bag from behind the desk and throwing it in my general direction "This is the last time" She warns.

"We'll see about that" I grin back, giving her a small wink as I exit the building.

...

I return home to pick up the things I need before heading to the gym to kill some time before carrying out the secret task I've been assigned to. I needed to be physically for these coming weeks; and I can't kick anybody's ass if I'm out of shape. Besides, if anybody was there at this time, I could use their alibi for when accusations started floating around. At first I think the gym is empty but then out of the corner of my eye I spot her, dressed in distractingly tight workout leggins and a black and red sports bra. I also notice she's running slower tan usual and her face winces everytime she puts pressure on her left leg.

"What the hell are you doing?" I ask, raising an eyebrow at her.

She continues to staring ahead blankly, oblivious to my words.

"Don't make me have to yank you off there"

Again, blank stare at the black brick wall in front of her.

"Alright"

I walk to the side of the treadmill and grab both of her legs out from underneath her, causing her to almost collapse onto the conveyor before I lift up the top half of her and swing her over my shoulder as easily as I would a sack of potatoes.

"Put me down!" She bangs her fists against my back and I transport her into the small alcove across the room, where the physio table was located.

"Most people are asleep at this time, you know that?" I say, dropping her onto the soft plastic.

"I do" She replies.

"You sprained it"

"It's a mild inflammation" She corrects.

"It's sprained. Now stop being such a smart ass and let me take a look at it"

She winces as I place a hand on her calf, feeling the muscle tense under my fingers. She sits up and glares at me, mentally planning an escape route.

"You shouldn't be running" I tell her.

"Well how would I know seeing as I'm not the medical expert here" She retorts.

"I can't help you if you're just going to be a bitch about it"

"Well I'm a bitch about everything" She sighs, a small pout making its way onto her face.

I lift her leg up at about a 45 degree angle and the frown on her face doesn't move.

"Do I have to break your leg before you admit to having a fucking injury?" I say, releasing her leg.

"Yes" She says, blank expression drifting back onto her face. My hand is still on her calf, squeezing the muscle there with more force than I

"I could easily snap you in two so if I were you I'd watch that smart ass mouth of yours"

"Go for it" She taunts. I look up at her serious eyes, dark and clouded with nothing. No fear, no concern, no nerves. I can't even feel her pulse quicken as my hand still rests on her leg.

"You're not scared?" I move my hand up to her knee, feeling the joint jolt momentarily as I do so.

Silence.

"Here we are, all alone? And I could just..." My hand goes up to just above her knee, whilst my gaze is steadily fixed on her concrete expression, night coloured eyes staring up at me in silence.

"You could just what Eric?" She asks confidently, still staring straight into my eyes. Those damn eyes could melt a rock.

"Aren't you just a little bit scared?"

"I'm not scared of anything"

"Is that so?" I ask her, watching her still face gaze up at me intently "So nothing...makes you scream?"

She moves her eyes away from mine for half a second and then back again, this time slightly unsure of herself.

"...or whimper"

My hand travels up the middle of her thigh and as it moves higher up, I see her chest moving up and down more rapidly, her facade of calm slowly melting away.

"Nope" She regains composure and sits up, swinging her long legs over so they're hanging off the edge of the table "Can you think of anything that might?"

I raise an eyebrow and realise my hand is still on her thigh. She doesn't flinch, but I can tell her pulse has quickened just from the way she's breathing.

"Oh I can think of a _lot_ of things that might" I whisper into her ear, my cheek lightly brushing against hers. She looks up at me with those goddamn hypnotic black holes and for a minute I think she's going to vaporize me with her stare. I don't know what game I'm playing here but I do know that the sooner she starts to give in, the sooner I get bored and move on.

I bring my hands up to her waist and pull her into me before placing my lips against her neck, increasing my grip on her thighs. I clearly caught her off guard because she moans silently as my lips move up to the top of her neck, nearing her jaw. Hands moving to her waist, I pull her further into me and listen to her heavy uneven breaths for a moment or two, feeling her tremble slightly at my touch. Suddenly, the door to the gym opens and the sound of footsteps sends self control flying back to me as I pull away from the distraction.

"Shit" She says, slightly flustered before sliding off the table and dashing out of the room. I made her nervous, and that was all I needed. At some point I'd get rid of all this sexual frustration for her and finally be over this weird phase of obsession. It's gonna take a while to forget that noise she made. A noise I so desperately wanted to hear again, preferably over and over while she screamed my name.

I was doing what I was supposed to do. I was going to walk into Abnegation. I was going to aim that gun straight for his heart, pull the trigger and that was it. I was seated on the top of one of the highest buildings, directly opposite to the dingy grey office building that Abnegation called their general workplace. Through one of the top floor windows I could just about make out a tall figure seated at a desk. He stands up and walks over to the corner of the room, his back turned to the window. While he's stationary, I aim my gun just above his neck, steady finger hooked around the trigger.

 _Deep breath in_

 _Deep breath out_

 _Pull the trigger and..._

That was it.

That's all I did, and I felt nothing.

How did I do it? How did I manage to end up so disconnected from the entire human race that I could guiltlessly murder in cold blood just because I was told to. Because I felt I had to. The building is now being evacuated, a crowd forming at the entrance. Some people look up around them, searching for the source of the bullet, but I'm already out of the Abnegation quarters.

I pull my tablet out of the inner pocket of my jacket and send a message to Jeanine.

 _It's done_

 _-Eric_

I had done what she had asked. I _complied._ Like my mother said, I always followed the rules. I did what I was told. _Always_.

Did I want to live or did I want to be alive? What good is anything if I have no damn control. No power. I was a puppet, and it pissed the the fuck off. I needed a plan to stop feeling so powerless. I was a leader dammit. I had authority, and I could do whatever the fuck I wanted, regardless of if Jeanine said so or not.

 _Get your fucking shit together Eric_

I had myself. I had my drugs. I had my physical health. All the things I need. Nothing else. Once I'd returned home, I took some morphine and downed it with vodka. The more numb I was, the better. I didn't need anything getting in the way of this mission. We were going to rid this city of all divergent scum, men women and children and I was not going to feel any hint of remorse about it.

I had no choice but to.


	7. Chapter 7

_When oblivion is calling out your name,_

 _You always take it further than I ever can._

 _Bastille - Oblivion_

* * *

 **Chapter 7 - Oblivion**

 **Lorraine**

I feel like the most pathetic obsessive teenage girl in history. Was it normal to think of one person so much? I'd only had two conversations with him and he aggravated me more than anybody ever had but I was still laying here, on my bed and thinking about him. About his gruff voice, about the way he made my head rush, about his electric touch...

Appearance wise, I'm far from mediocre so I could understand why he wanted to do whatever it was he wanted to do to me, I just didn't get why he didn't just come out and say it. He wasn't really the sort of person that beat around the bush and I wondered if he was only being exceptionally difficult because l was too. Not like I wanted to make it difficult for him...it's just who I am as a person.

I kind of don't want to give him his hoodie back. Party because I want to see if he'll actually ask for it and party because I kind of liked inhaling it every time I set my head down on my pillow. It kind of had an earthy-sweet smell. Like cinnamon but not exactly. It helped me sleep on the rare occasion that I'd decided that I wanted to.

I had asked Tris which apartment her and Four were in just in case I needed that 'talk', she said she was there to provide if I needed it. I knew Eric lived next door and asking for Eric's information would have led to an unnecessary amount of interrogation and stress that I wasn't mentally prepared for. I was just returning his hoodie...no need to be nervous. It wasn't as if I was going to be invited in or anything. It's still around dawn and the pale pink sky makes me feel unusually calm as I trek to the Leaders apartment building completely prepared for whatever bullshit Eric was going to stress me out with this morning.

As I enter the apartment complex, I make my way up the staircase faster than I should and seeing as vigilance is often sacrificed for the sake of speed, I ended up colliding right into a tall blonde figure rounding the pillar between the next set of stairs.

"I'm so sorry!" She gasps, shaking herself off and staring at me through bright blue eyes. She looked completely out of place standing on the pale black staircase, black brick walls surrounding her. She wore a pale blue low v-necked sweater that showed off her impressive cleavage and a matching pale blue skirt that ended just above her thighs, accentuating her curves. She was almost physically perfect.

"Did I injure you?" She asks, searching my blank face for a hint of annoyance. Even if I was I wouldn't have expressed it.

"You didn't" I respond, slightly weary. Apart from her slightly tousled hair there's nothing about her that suggests she was doing something she wasn't meant to. But I knew exactly what she was doing and who she was with.

"Umm..." Her face flushes and she looks around for an easy escape route "I'm Katherine, I work at Erudite. I just came over to deliver some information to someone...ummm" She looks around once more. I was intimidating her. Good. "You're Lorraine Reyes aren't you?"

I knew that all Faction leaders - my mother included, were provided with tablets and computers with instant messaging and email accounts in order to deliver minor pieces of information. As a girl from Erudite, I'm surprised she made such a fatal error in conjuring up her lie.

"Indeed I am" I respond.

"Wow" She gazes at me with some kind of admirable look "We were expecting you at Erudite you know. We've seen your test scores from school. They're impressive"

"I'm aware" I say, sidestepping her and allowing her to continue on her escape. She scurries past me, perfect blonde hair flying behind her.

I leave the hoodie on his front door and wander out of the building unnoticed.

* * *

"You pierced something!" Matthew excitedly grins as I enter the initiate dorm room. Usually I'm already up and out before everybody else and nobody ever has time to catch me lingering around but I couldn't figure out where else to go but here. Besides, Matthew was the only person who didn't annoy me and he had a way of forcing me to consider my behaviour and the consequences of most of my actions.

"I pierced three things" I grin at him, sitting down on the end of his bed beside him while he ties his boot laces.

"But your ears were already pierced when you got here..." A bewildered look crosses his face and he tilts his head to search for any additional piercings located on my face.

"You're so oblivious" I chuckle at him.

He stares blankly, then red creeps up on his face and he looks slightly uncomfortable "I guess it's not in an...appropriate area" He stammers.

"Of course" I grin.

"Uhhhh...I've been invited to something. And been asked to invite you" He says, shuffling nearer to where I'm sat.

"You may invite me" I declare, holding up a regal hand authoritatively. He chuckles in response and I kick my shoes off then swing my legs onto his lap comfortably.

"There's a party on saturday night...kinda only for official dauntless members but Effy said she could get us in" He informs me, looking down at my intrusive feet with a not so bothered expression.

"Why?" I ask. I'd barely spoken to Effy.

"She thinks you're fun" He shrugs. Me? Fun? I raise an eyebrow at him and he raises one back at me, mirroring my bewilderment "Who were you with at the gym with the other night? Shane said he saw you looking...nervous? And you were like...running out"

"Eric. And don't worry about what was going on, it's pathetic" I sigh.

"It's more concerning than pathetic" He sympathizes "Have you got a crush on him or something?"

"Matthew don't be ridiculous"

"I'm being logical. What, you've never had a crush before?" He laughs at me, and I realise he really was amazing at reading people.

"What constitutes as crush? Because I think I just want to fuck him" I say bluntly. I forgot how prude Abnegation's were and for a moment he struggles to find a response.

"Wow" He looks around nervously, face darkening slightly "So what, you're going to try to have sex with...a faction leader?" He lowers his voice at the end of his sentence, noticing that there are still a few initiates dotted around the dormroom.

"I am" I say proudly. Not caring who hears. If they wanted to go tell him then they could.

"I don't think that's a good idea Lorraine" He warns, pushing my legs off his lap. I notice he's a little more reserved than usual, and he shuffles away from me once more. I stare at him and smile, forcing him to smile back at me.

"It doesn't have to be"

"I just...you're so different...and he...I think he doesn't deserve you" He blurts out. What the hell was that supposed to mean? Who did deserve me if not a built, handsome, intelligent and powerful figurehead? I didn't really see the problem with my plans. Was I supposed to try to do better than Eric?

"I think you're delusional Matthew" I sigh, before getting up and walking out into our first day of Stage 2 training. We walk to the training centre together and he departs from me immediately after instructions have been delivered by Uriah and Max. He's only in there for a few minutes and he walks out looking slightly uncomfortable. I try to ask what's wrong but he shakes his head and mumbles something about taking a nap. A few more panicked and traumatised exits later and it's my turn to enter the room.

As I take my seat in the uncomfortable leather chair, Four busies himself typing in some 'crucial' information onto the screen beside him. He appears angry and he furiously jabs at the keyboard and mutters profanities under his breath, ignoring my presence. Apparently wasting time is his speciality. Four and I weren't exactly friends. But we had spoken before. Perhaps once or twice at school and a few times during my dad's trials when his own father was required to be present and the boy known as Tobias had been led there with the intention of preparing him for his own future of being an Abnegation leader.

He watched out for me then and he still watches out for me a bit I guess. When he's not keeping Tris away from Eric or making sure Eric doesn't murder anyone while his back is turned. I know he knows about the things my father did and I know about what his father did too. We had a mutual acknowledgement and silent respect for one another. Besides Matthew and my mother, he was probably the only other person I had some kind of trust in.

After scowling at the screen for a few more minutes, he injects me with the simulation liquid and I find myself drifting off to the mellow confines of my own mind.

My landscape was empty.

Not empty as in, an empty field or room.

But empty as in void.

It felt like a multidimensional abyss that I couldn't escape. An vast, incomprehensible space that went on forever and I couldn't see anything impending. I shiver. Something just touched me. Too light to be a hand, too precise to be anything else. I whirl to face behind me and find nothing but the silent void.

That was my fear. Permanence. _Oblivion_.

Five minutes. Ten minutes. Half an hour or a day, I can't tell any-more but it's not ending and I open my mouth to scream but stop myself once a thought occurs to me.

It has to end. Everything ends, this _has_ to end.

This was a simulation. They couldn't keep me in here forever and eventually they'd have to unplug me. I take a deep breath and suddenly relief washes over me and I find myself sat back in the brightly lit room with Four smirking at me from his seat.

"There really is no point in putting you through stage two" He chuckles "I'd say your emotions are pretty much in control. How'd you deal with it?"

"I waited" I say, confused as to any other alternative methods that I could have taken.

"For what?"

"For the simulation to be over For somebody to unplug me. Whichever came first" I shrug.

His smile falters and he jabs at a machine to turn the computer screen off.

"You...you knew you were in a simulation" He asks me.

"Well I clearly wasn't in this room"

"Lorraine, what was your test result?

"That's irrelevant" I point out.

"You're in danger. You need to tell me" He demands, taking up the tone he usually does with delinquent initiates.

"Erudite. Danger? Why?" I garble, suddenly in a slight panic. It wasn't eminent though.

"It was definitely Erudite?" He pesters.

"Well yeah it was. What's this about?" I ask, slightly perplexed. He seems in a state of frenzy, anxious and panicked.

"We can't talk now. Speak to Tris first thing tomorrow morning" He orders.

I nod, confused and slightly tired.

* * *

I'd spent the whole day with Matt, forgetting about the events of the morning and talking to each other about or lives before choosing day. Matthew's brother Robin was twelve and a complete smart-ass that couldn't wait to break out of Abnegation in four years. Both his parents had been born Amity and despite their efforts, both their children were far from selfless. He'd grown up on books about martial arts and spent most of his time locked away, perfecting his fighting and self defence skills. Initially he appeared to just be a shy kid from abnegation who had some luck with fighting and skill.

But underneath the nerves and shyness was a reckless teenage boy that embraced his freedom away from strict parents and silently broke every rule he could just because he was able to do so. The party on Saturday was the only thing keeping him in check. The girls all loved him and he's managed to become friends with almost every initiate in our class. I was not as open to socialisation and politely declined every invitation to anything by anyone. After Matt was dragged away by some Dauntless born for some kind of exciting initiate ritual halfway through the evening, I found myself alone and wandering the empty caves until I finally decided on sitting down on the cold metal railing overlooking the crashing waves of the icy chasm below.

"Geez amity, is there anything you're actually afraid of?" His voice startles me, but not too much. I was used to him just appearing out of nowhere when I found myself on my own. It was more unexpected when he didn't show up to interrupt my thoughts.

"I really don't know" I say to him, staring down at the crashing waves below, swinging my legs back and forth. I'd already lost one flat black shoe to the waves a few days earlier when I'd been sat here in an identical manner and today I had learned my lesson, instead wearing boots on my feet despite how much of an obstruction they were. Eric approaches cautiously and stands a few feet beside me.

"How could you not know?"

"I genuinely can't remember the last time I felt scared" I say, honestly.

Was I ever scared of my father? No. Was I scared of becoming like him? No. That wasn't a fear. I just didn't want to become like him. It was preventable not inevitable.

"Fear is always an impending anxiety. It's waiting. Whether it's waiting for the fear to be over or waiting for the fear to kill you. Is it a fear of being high up or a fear of falling to your death? Is it a fear of spiders or a fear of the possibility of them swarming and chocking you to death? Is it a fear of fire or a fear of burning to death? Maybe every fear is ultimately just a fear of death. Maybe that's why I have none. Because I'm not scared of death" I say silently, still staring down at the waves below. I feel nothing.

"Then why don't you just jump in?" He asks, not entirely encouraging me but asking with enough force that any other person might think he was.

I stare down at the chasm for a little while longer, feeling nothing but the nervous feeling that usually came with speaking to Eric. Why did this nauseating thing decide to engulf me every time I heard that deep voice or looked into those sapphire eyes. He paid way too much attention to me and it was unnerving. Not even Matthew had managed to retain this much interest in me as a person with as much attention as Eric.

"Because I'd rather not die yet"

"You got things you wanna do?"

Yes, _you._

"Perhaps" I respond, suppressing a smile "Or maybe I just want to be surprised"

I shuffle myself up off the railing, tilting slightly from the sudden change in level. Eric holds a hand out to steady me and for a moment I catch his gaze, looking deep into his eyes. Was he concerned? I keep my focus on him and watch his expression harden again.

"How do you do that?" He asks me silently, as if he's mesmerised or something. I keep the confusion off my face and raise an eyebrow at him.

"Do what?"

"Don't worry about it" He shakes himself off and releases my arm as if my skin is too hot.

"Don't tell me what to do. I'll worry all I want" I mutter.

"Do whatever you want then"

"I want to climb a tree" I announce silently, avoiding his gaze.

"Seriously?" He questions, moving into my eye-line so I'm forced to look at him.

"Am I ever not serious Eric?"

"Why the hell are you asking me?" He remarks, not angrily.

"Because I'm hoping you'll give me an answer. That is why a majority questions are asked in the first place" I sigh.

"I'm so sick of your damn attitude" He says, already walking forwards out of the cavern "You wanna climb that tree or not?" He calls out to me. I follow closely behind him, refusing to quicken my pace as I trail along.

* * *

I have so many questions for him. Who was the blonde girl? Why was he so adamant on being around me? Why was he so...persistent on making me uncomfortable? Instead of asking, I climb a tree. Avoidance was my main source of handling anything and I felt more comfortable sitting from a tree branch ten feet up in the air staring at a piece of tree bark than into eyes that might as well come with their own warning sign.

"You got any idea why Four's willing to get himself beat up to keep me away from you?"

"Why, are you jealous?" I ask, flicking a piece of cracked tree bark in his direction. He looks up at me with what can only be described as a friendly scowl and I smile back.

"You wish" He scoffs.

"As long as he's with Tris, you've got nothing to be jealous about" I say comfortingly "I knew him when I was younger. Kind of had a crush on him"

"I didn't ask"

"Peter's also kind of cute. He's a complete psychopath and that kind of turns me on" I say, swinging my legs back and forth from the tree branch.

"You've met him?"

I nod. It was partly true. He'd said some innuendo about my legs as I was walking past his post while he was on guard patrol and I flipped him off. But irritating Eric was for some reason, way too fun.

"What, did the two of you fuck or something?" Eric says, eyebrow raised in genuine curiosity.

"Maybe" I say, trying not to tense up and give away how uncomfortable I was.

He smirks.

"I know when you're lying to me"

How could he possibly know that? I don't ask, instead I go back to the patch of tree bark I was peeling off and resume digging my thumbnail into it, hearing the satisfying sharp crunch of cracking wood.

"You relax too much" He states.

"And what am I lying to you about, you self proclaimed psychoanalyst?"

"You know, and I know, that you're a virgin" He says tauntingly, giving me a look that made my stomach somersault.

"I didn't say I wasn't. Therefore I haven't lied"

"So you are" He smirks again.

Damn that smirk. Condemn it to hell. I wanted to rip it off his face and stomp it down into the ground. Nobody gets to have this much authority over me.

"You gonna talk or are you just gonna stand there staring at me like a psychopath?"

"I thought psychopaths turned you on" He responds, voice lowering uncomfortably.

"You're boring me" I say, my only mechanism to nervousness at this point.

He removes his jacket and throws it down to the ground aimlessly revealing his toned biceps through a black muscle shirt.

What was he doing...?

Before I have time to figure it out, he reaches up, grabs both of my legs from where I'm sat in the tree and pulls me down with great force and I fall through the air, confused and shocked. For a moment I think I'm going to land face down in the mud and embarrass myself, but he catches me, just in time and sets me down onto the ground gently, strong arms wrapped around my waist and lingering there for slightly longer than necessary.

"You're trying to kill me" I conclude.

"Fun. But I have a better idea for tonight"

"What could be more fun than spontaneous homicide?" I ask him with a sly grin.

"Shit!" He shuffles behind a heavy oak and pulls me towards him as the heavy footsteps of Dauntless guards returning from patrols disrupts the eerie silence of the night. However I lose my footing and as I turn, I end up toppling down to the ground over him. In all our clamour, I didn't even realise that I had landed right on top of him with my arms holding myself up, until I try to shuffle away and realise two large hands are holding my waist down against a firm abdomen, unrelenting and not unpleasant.

"Do you think they heard-" He places a hand over my mouth and I realise the guards are still placated around the area.

Once we can no longer hear their silent shuffling and footsteps, he removes his hand from my mouth and I struggle to regulate my breathing to a normal human rate. I wonder if the silent howl of wind is enough to block out the rush of my blood as it surges through my body.

"Sorry" I whisper, starting to get up off him, but I find that his hand still holds me firmly in place.

"Eric you're..." I start but I don't even remember where I intended for that sentence to go as his hand trails down the side of my face, gently brushing my cheek with his thumb. I go to speak again but he puts his hand back on my mouth.

"They're not gone" He whispers. The only sound I can make out are dull, fading footsteps but I understand what he means. Getting up now would make too much of a noise for them to just ignore so it's better we don't move until they're considerably out of range.

I wonder how long we're like this. Me staring down at him impatiently and him looking very amused for no reason which I can fathom.

He moves his hand away from my mouth and I let out a sigh, trying not to let myself get any closer to him than I already am - which is pretty darn close. Very soon my arms slowly grow tired of holding myself up and I feel myself sinking down slightly, incrementally closing the area of space between us until he brings his head up to mine and his lips skate over mine for a moment.

I don't know how to respond. It's a really light kiss and only lasts a second but there's a sort of dulling feeling once his lips leave mine. As if he had just transferred a small amount of electricity to me from somewhere within him.

Could I...?

I lean down to kiss him back and find that he is more than willing to welcome my lips to his, this time guiding me with his mouth, opening and closing it with a rhythm that I somehow know despite never ever hearing the song before. But nobody is singing. And there is no music. There's only his beautiful soft lips on mine. His fingers travel down my spine and to the small of my back, gripping the thin material of my dress forcefully while I trail a hand along his exposed arms, warm and tense.

A sharp intake of breath later and I'm kicked back to reality.

What was I doing?

He still held me in place when I took my lips of his but I pulled out of his 'embrace' forcefully, staring into his glimmering eyes, darkened by passion. What was the issue? I seem to forget as I bring my head back down to his waiting lips.

"Shit" he mumbles against my lips when I pull away for a split second to refill my lungs.

"What?" I ask.

"We've gotta go" He pushes me off him (ow?!), and I roll onto the rough crackled leaves, scratching my arms and legs on broken twigs.

"What?" I repeat.

My mind is still frazzled, unable to form anything more than monosyllabic sounds and a dazed expression.

"You're not supposed to be out here _initiate_ " He growls.

"And you are?" I ask him.

"I'm allowed to do whatever the fuck I want" He snaps.

 _What the actual fuck?_

"Then why did you hide when you heard people coming?" I challenge, leaping up off the ground with confidence "What did you do? I can read people too Eric. And I see guilt"

"You're overstepping your boundaries initiate" He threatens, turning away from me.

" _I'm_ overstepping boundaries?"

He ignores me and sets off in the opposite direction from the compound, oblivious to my scowl.

"Don't make me do something I'll regret" He calls out as he's walking away from me.

What the fuck?


	8. Chapter 8

**AN: Thank you so much for your patience with this story. I love you all thank you so much for reading!** **Feel free to ask any questions about anything you're curious about in regards to the plot/characters. This chapter was such a pain to write and I think it may be my least favourite so far, sadly. But I hope you guys like it!**

 **Anyway, enjoy!**

* * *

 _And if I seem dangerous,_

 _Would you be scared?_

 _I get the feeling just because,_

 _Everything I touch isn't dark enough_

 _If this problem lies in me_

 _Imagine Dragons - Monster_

* * *

 **Eric**

My mother was blind to my flaws.

I'd spent my whole life thinking that as long as I followed the rules, as long as I kept acting the way I did, everything would be fine. But I didn't realise that was only because my mother couldn't see the worst parts of me.

She couldn't see the cold hearted, emotionless thing I'd become after years of being programmed to disconnect myself from everything and everyone. All the saw was her genius son, the boy who'd gotten incredible grades and followed her into her lab everyday even when the other kids were all out making friends and shit. I had Kate, but she had a hopeless crush on me and I took advantage of the fact that she was willing to do almost anything for me just to spent some time with me. I hate myself for doing that to her. Maybe if my mother could have seen what I was becoming over the years, I might have turned out different.

She couldn't see the fourteen year old boy who snuck a morphine pill out of her lab one day. And she didn't notice the steadily decreasing pile of narcotics in her lab that vanished regularly without an explanation.

She couldn't, because she didn't want to. She didn't want to ever come face to face with the fact that regardless of how intelligent she was or how much she knew how to manipulate everything around her, she'd failed as a mother. I was back at her lab in Erudite after another meeting, and waiting for Tris and Uriah to have some extra information explained to them about administering simulations on a mass scale. My mother briefly acknowledged me for a moment when she congratulated me on handling my assignment so well and then went back to typing out an email to somebody and only partly paying attention to me. As she'd been doing for almost nineteen years.

"What exactly are you doing?" I finally say, the serene sound of the clicking keyboard rudely interrupted by my voice.

"I'm working Eric. I have very important things to be doing"

"Important...but are they decent things?" I ask, raising an eyebrow even though she can't see me.

"Does it matter?"

"I know you've been doing some pretty messed up stuff over the years" I mention, finally getting her attention. She ceases her typing but doesn't turn to face me.

"And what you've done is any better?" She says, attention placated on the brightly lit computer screen in front of her.

"You were carrying out illegal experiments on people's minds and fucking them up to the point of no return"

"And you've killed innocent people"

This is how exchanges with my mother were usually carried out. It was a fucking game of 'who's more morally corrupt' tennis.

"It's my job" I reply sternly.

"And this is mine Eric. You have to understand that this is what's necessary in order to achieve the ideal society that we deserve" She finally looks up from her computer screen and picks her glasses up from beside the keyboard. Her aged features are usually concealed by the thick brown frames but on the rare occasion that they're off her face, the deep under eye circles are clear, along with all the frown lines. Considering she's only thirty six, the only explanation for the quickened ageing process were her smoking habits, and running an illegal experimentation facility right under Jeanine Matthews' nose.

"Why is it so important for you to get into people's heads?"

"You've changed Eric" She gives me a sad smile "You used to be so fascinated by my work. And now..."

"I'm not you. I don't need to manipulate people's memories and drive them to psychosis as a method of trying to get them to listen to me. I'm a leader. I can lead without the aid of neurological inhibitors and damn lobotomies that you insist are effective"

Since the population of vulnerable Factionless were dwindling, she was running low on test subjects. No longer could she just lure some unsuspecting stranger into her underground lab with promises of shelter and nobody around to notice their absence. Her only hope was to get me to bring the confirmed divergent from dauntless to her instead of exiling them as I was meant to.

"I do wish you'd get over this rebellious phase" She tuts at me, as if I just told her I was about to go smoke a cigarette or something "You were such a curious child-"

"I'm not a child anymore" I roll my eyes at her and get up off my seat.

"Yes you are. You're _my_ child" She practically sprints towards me as I make my way over to the front door.

God, this woman. A room full of intimidating warriors and she could have them eating out of the palm of her hand within seconds but with me, she was so desperate for validation. For me to tell her she hadn't been a shitty mother and that of course I understood why she was possibly the only one more obsessive than Jeanine on the subject of neurological behaviour.

"I've got to go"

"You never broke the rules as a child Eric. Sure, you were a little more brusque than the others but you _complied,_ and that's what ultimately made you such a success in everything you did! You never challenge authority, so I know that you would never betray me. Would you Eric?" She asks.

There was something off in her voice. Was she...pleading?

"I wouldn't" I say cautiously. I wouldn't betray anybody with as much intelligence as her regardless of if they were my mother or not. I didn't agree with what she was doing but then again I'd shot a guy a few days earlier so who was I to judge.

"And if I had said I was doing something out of the best interest for everyone involved, you wouldn't try to stop me...correct?"

"Depends on-"

"I don't need conditions Eric" She says sternly, taking the scolding mother tone with me for once.

"Yeah okay, whatever" I agree.

* * *

The news had reached Four.

It wasn't exactly being intentionally concealed from him but he'd brushed them off as rumours until Jeanine had finally responded to his emails and the news had been confirmed.

Marcus Eaton was dead.

Four wasn't at work, and he wasn't at breakfast. And I needed him to get over this shit before Max and I ended up having to carry out this divergent cleanse single handedly. Uriah was competent and everything, but he didn't have the same work ethic as Four and for once I realise just how much of an asset Four was to our leadership team. I'd gone through the day avoiding everything and everyone, scouring the halls for somebody to replace Four with the initiate's simulations and confining myself to my office, away from everything and everyone, feeling sick at the prospect of having to interact with anyone.

Tris is once again spewing bullshit out at the dinner table. Why am I even here? Oh yeah, to pick up food and then leave immediately after. Doing drugs on an empty stomach wasn't the best idea in the world and I'd never quite forget how it feels to have your body trying to metabolise on nothing but aderall and oxygen. Besides, Kate didn't give me headache pills this time and the sound of Tris' voice was giving me a migrane.

"Do me a favour and shut the fuck up" I say indirectly, flattening a blueberry between my thumb and index finger. The resulting blue staining my fingers like ink. I grab a few more muffins and shove them in a brown paper bag before I'm ready to walk away from Tris and her unnecessary gossip. Christina looks up at me with a scowl, shaking her head disappointingly.

"Today is not the day Eric" she warns.

"Tell Four that he just needs to fucking get over it" I murmur, quiet enough so that nobody else on the table can hear me.

"Not everyone is as thick skinned as you Eric" Christina states "Tris is just as upset as Four is-"

"I thought I gave you an order to shut up? I don't give a shit about Four's pathetic feelings."

 _What is wrong with me?_

"You're a cruel, apathetic bastard Eric!" Tris exclaims, suddenly wanting to start a scene "And you're alone Eric. You're cold and miserable inside because you're so fucking horrible!" She exclaims. The few people dotted around the mess hall are all staring at her, wondering how dare she speak to me that way. Me, Eric fucking Coulter. Dauntless leader and resident authoritarian. The answer was, she was right and I was too fucking tired. Instead of responding, I glare at the two of them in silence for a few minutes after her explosion, until they finally show signs of cowering away.

"Don't bother showing up to work. _Ever._ And if you keep talking I'll make sure Four's unemployed too" I tell her. The room falls silent and I leave immediately after my announcement. I needed to sleep. Whatever this shitty feeling was could be killed in seconds with some kind of cognitive modifier and a nap.

 _"You're alone Eric"_

She was right.

 _Who else knows about your father? About your mother? About the reason you left Erudite? Who else really knows you Eric?]_

Who gives a shit if I was alone? I could deal with it. Nobody needs to know who the hell I am or what I think or how I feel. I don't need anybody breathing down my neck about feelings and constantly seeking validation and wanting me to give them constant attention or whatever. I don't need the bullshit that comes with having to deal with somebody's feelings when I can hardly deal with my own.

I can't even sleep. I shuffle off my bed and find myself searching the drawer beside my bed for some prozac. Or morphine. Whichever one I find first. I can't even remember the last time I'd had anything else. _Argh, why the fuck didn't I see Kate earlier?_ When I'd almost finally given up on looking for them, there was a knock on my door. I process this for a moment and realise that I haven't heard anybody knock on my door at a reasonable hour of the day since Max came to informally inform me on my leadership position.

I reach the door and open it slightly, looking around for any signs of senior leadership here telling me to get my shit together, but instead there's a grouchy looking girl there in a short black dress and an unruly ponytail sticking up out of her head.

Lorraine is smart. Too fucking smart. So smart that it was dangerous to be around her while I had this crime weighing me down like wet clothes. I'd been avoiding her as well as the rest of the human population for the past few days and seeing her again, looking so perfect while I felt like I'd just taken a trip down to nausea lane.

I'm not the type to feel nervous after an encounter with a female. I mean, I'm Eric fucking Coulter. I look like a Greek God and I'm intimidating beyond comprehension. This girl was making me weak. And staying away from her was the only way I could escape whatever witchcraft it was she was conjuring up behind the scenes.

"You left this" She hands me my leather jacket. The one I'd thrown on the ground a few days ago.

She practically throws it at me and I take some time to study her expression. Unreadable as always, but her body language is clear. Isolated, and clearly not somebody who wants to acknowledge the activities we'd been involved in on the forest floor a few days ago.

"You got a problem with me or something?" I ask, keeping my tone sincere.

"Yes" She says bluntly.

"You gonna come out and say it?" I challenge, watching her mouth twitch slightly as she holds her blank expression in place.

"I really just want to punch you in the face" She admits, yawning the last word. Even though she looked great as always, I could still see the sleep deprivation on her face. That, and the way she carried herself. Maybe I'd force feed her sleeping pills or something.

"Go ahead. If you want me to break that delicate little hand of yours afterwards" I smirk.

"That's if you can catch me" She mumbles. For a fraction of a second she looks uncertain of herself, something I'd never thought possible until now. Her deep obsidian eyes gaze up at me, her emotions lost somewhere. Even though she's standing right in front of me, it doesn't seem as if she's really there.

"Do you have a girlfriend?" She finally comes out with her question.

I try not to laugh. Not because I don't want to upset her - although I don't think it's even possible. But I don't laugh because she has this look on her face that isn't directly angry but can still be read as the look of somebody who would unapologetically murder you in cold blood if you didn't take them seriously. Surprisingly, even though she was 5'6 and more bone than anything else, that look didn't make many appearances. Somehow everyone just knew she wasn't one to take shit from anybody. But of course, I'm not anybody.

"Why'd you want to know?" I ask, unable to stop myself from grinning.

"Because I met somebody who was exhibiting certain characteristics that some may interpret to be girlfriend-like"

"You didn't meet my girlfriend"

"So who did I meet then?"

"My dealer" I shrug.

"You sleep with her...in exchange for drugs?" She raises an eyebrow at me as if she didn't really believe what I was insinuating.

"So you are as smart as they say"

"Well then. If you're sleeping with her in exchange for drugs, then what do you want from me?"

"I'll tell you...eventually" I smirk again, watching the annoyance play out "And _we_ aren't sleeping together"

Yet.

She rolls her eyes and turns to walk away but pauses and turns back around almost immediately.

"When's that punch in the face arriving by the way?"

"Eventually" She says, giving me a small, sinister grin.

* * *

It was as if the sombre air had leaked out of Four and spread to the whole Faction, like some kind of airborne virus. Everywhere I want, there was a sombre air about, which irritated me to no end. Once this mourning period is over, Four's gonna have a lot of work to catch up on and so will the rest of us. We can't move along with this mission while there's a weakness in our leadership. Since pretty much everyone else has focussed their attention on Tris and Four or the Factionless issue, things are so much more difficult around here. We're understaffed, under-prepared and generally just a sorry excuse for Dauntless recently. When this shit blows over, I'll be inflicting some more rules and regulations around here before we got any worse.

I spent most of my time working at night and sleeping during the day to avoid everyone. Or more specifically - Lorraine. We had this unspoken agreement of what it is I have in mind for us but only when she stops being an initiate. With the way she dresses and acts around me, that was probably easier said than done. As of the beginning of Stage two, she's my top initiate and I can't have anyone thinking any less of either of us. On the rare occasion that I did

She had a habit of picking at her skin absent mindedly and more often than none sat around on her own staring into the air with a distant expression etched onto her face. Like she was never really sure what she was doing or why. Maybe she thought nobody was paying attention to her. But I did and I could mostly ignore it until I found her sitting cross legged underneath a stairwell at three in the morning with her head in her hands.

"What are you doing here?"

Her head comes up slowly and the thick mass of curls obscuring her face bounce up off her head and then back down again, blocking her angelic features once again.

"I've just have a migrane and it fucking kills" She sighs, standing up hurriedly and pulling an elastic band from her pocket "Maybe it's the weight of all this damn hair" She mutters, throwing her head forwards to gather up the hairs at the back of her head.

"How'd you get that scar?" I ask.

"What scar?" She shakes her hair out and proceeds to tie it up in a messy ponytail.

"You've got this scar on the back of your neck. Kind of like a straight line" I say, taking a step towards her. She turns around and I gently place a finger on it "Right...here" She flinches at my touch but nevertheless allows me move my finger along the path.

"I probably fell or something when I was younger. Or scratched it on something" She shrugs, but even I can tell whatever theory she came up with was insubstantial in explaining how she could have failed to notice how or when she received a laceration on the back of her neck without realising it. I don't mention it to her but it's too precise to be from an injury. The only logical conclusion was that it was a surgical scar, but maybe she already knew that. Maybe she had no idea. Either way, I could tell it bugged her so I quickly changed the topic to my most recent concern.

"I can smell the alcohol on your breath" I whisper once she turns to face me.

"Yeah because a few of us went out for drinks earlier. Is that against the rules too?" She raises an eyebrow at me in hopes that I believed the bullshit about a 'few' of them going out for drinks. Lorraine only spoke to one other person besides me and It was a good thing she lied as well as she ran, because otherwise I'd be forced to bring up the fact that I was kind of looking out for her. Somebody had to.

"Get your shit together initiate" I grin, taking a step closer towards her and watching her eyes widen slightly. I can't help but do this when I'm around her and I wonder if she's as aware of this magnetic feeling as I am. I'm watching her mouth. Her soft pink lips that I just want on mine and her smooth, warm skin that I desperately want against me again.

"Will you kiss me again if I do?" She grins.

"You think that's all I wanna do to you?"

"I think it's all you can do to me...while I'm still an initiate. I know how much you _love_ following the rules" She teases, almost bitterly. It takes all my self control to not grab her there and then and force her teasing lips onto mine. I can hear her breaths becoming ragged and notice the lust in her eyes. But she's right. Contrary to popular belief, I'm a very patient person and I have no problem with waiting for the few days between now and her final exam before I could get this hunger for her sated. I watch as she silently bends down to pick up the sweater she'd been sitting on and her hips give a little shake as she does, sending my self control flying out of my body. _This was going to be a long couple of days._


	9. Chapter 9

**AN: I've just not been very well recently so writing is difficult and I'm trying my very hardest. Thank you all again for reading, fave-ing and following it honestly does mean a lot to me.**

* * *

 _They will play a game and say_

 _They know what you're going through_

 _And I tried to come up with an artistic way to say_

 _They don't know you, and neither do I_

 _Twenty One Pilots - Kitchen Sink_

* * *

 **Lorraine**

When I was younger my mother used to say to me:

 _"An eye for an eye and the whole world would be blind"_

And I'd respond by explaining to her that it was the fairest possible outcome because if only some were blind and others weren't it'd be a very unfair system especially seeing as those left subject to blindness would be the ones who were victims of the initial offensive act. So in fact, if everyone sought out revenge for those who wronged them the justice system would create far more equal circumstances as a result of that.

Then she'd sigh and shake her head at me with a smile on her face because she knew I was right and didn't know how a twelve year old had once again managed to outsmart her as she tried to inflict morally correct values on her.

This was one of those situations where I think she had a point. If I suddenly turned around and decided to tease Eric and play hard to get as revenge for him making me feel like a total idiot, then neither of us would get laid. At least not by each other. Urgh. These mixed messages were enough to make me consider carrying out a formal execution in the middle of the pit as a warning to any other guy who thought they could try to get away with any other kind of bullshit with me.

I am intimidating without even trying so a formal execution might be slight overkill. At five foot six and of a petite build it's a mystery how anybody took me seriously when I threatened or glared at them. If I was 6'3 with the strength of a bulldozer on steroids, any attempt of intimidation by a girl the size of a very small tree would have me in fits of laughter. But then again Eric wasn't really that easy to understand.

It's like he wants to believe I was this mysterious, sexy genius or something instead of a mentally unstable and irritating little girl like I'd been for the past sixteen years of my life.

I wonder what he sees in me.

One minute he wants to ravish me in the middle of a forest floor and the next I'm disobeying orders and the next he wants to wait till it's not 'inappropriate'. Urgh. I have too fucking much on my mind. No wonder I'm on the verge of alcoholism. Hopefully my liver will give way before I have to deal with any of the consequences of my actions otherwise I'll probably spontaneously combustion from the excessive amount of repercussions I'll have to deal with.

Not to mention Four and Tris and this ridiculous divergent nonsense. I'm Dauntless. There's no discrepancy there. Tris had given me a depressing lecture about danger and scheduled another 'talk' with me about how it wasn't safe for 'us' anymore because of some kind of impending doom and how it was difficult and upsetting or whatever. I wasn't paying attention. I was waiting to leave. I hate talking about feelings. Or being around people who were too emotional. It only reminds me of what a heartless bitch I am.

Then she had to go be with Four because apparently codependency increases when members of your family die. I wasn't aware. When my father died nobody gave me any kind of constant attention or affection. My mother shut herself away and cried and I was too emotionally detached to try to help her or even understand that I should have been grieving as well. God, I'm such a fucking mess.

Besides, If they were basing my divergence off my ability to use my common sense and realise I was not in a simulation when I so clearly was then to me, it was a load of crap.

I am not divergent. I am (almost) Dauntless. No doubt about it. I zone back into reality and realise the waiting room is empty and it's my turn for the simulation. I drag myself into the room and take my place on the beige leather chair, avoiding Eric's gaze. Four's been exempt from training duties until after his father's funeral (which is today), and so I'm kind of wary of Eric and his sudden emergence into the world of actually interacting with initiates instead of harassing us from afar as he's been doing recently.

"You've been avoiding me" He was leaning back in his chair, completely casual and seemingly unbothered by my presence. Who could blame him, I look like shit.

"I've also been avoiding syphilis" I shrug and he places a hand on my forehead gently before frowning.

"You've got a temperature"

"Everything has a temperature Eric" I say, swatting his hand away. It was soft and warm and at any other point in time it might have actually felt kind of nice on my forehead but right now I'm irritable and physical contact is making me highly uncomfortable.

"Are you okay?" He asks.

"Eh" I shrug, sinking down further in my seat.

"You don't have to do this if you're not feeling well"

"I'm fine"

"You're not"

"I'm sorry but are you my fucking immune system?"

"You look...tired. I don't know" He's still looking at my face with that analytical expression as if he's trying to figure something out.

"But I literally-"

"Go. You don't need this shit anyway, you've got first place in the bag"

Did I?

"Mhmm"

"What?"

"Nothing, I just make that noise sometimes" I explain, shifting myself off the chair and stalking over to the door. I smile at him and he smiles back, kind of genuine and kind of sympathetic. Weird, but I linger at the door for a few moments as we exchange this awkward, meaningless silence.

"Is that a Lorraine thing or is it a shell thing?"

"What shell thing?"

"The hiding away thing that you do"

"I'm not a crustacean Eric. There is no shell" I laugh at him even though he's nailed it and I feel like throwing my shoe at his head for being so irritatingly perceptive.

"It's the way you constantly hide your emotions and deflect from-"

"Do you think lobsters know they're immortal?"

I just proved his point but I can't help it. It was as if I was programmed this way or something. Somebody asked me about myself or my feelings and all I could do was stare at them stupidly or bring up a completely unrelated subject. I just can't talk about feelings, I don't even think I experience them properly.

"I don't think they have a concept of time" He says, turning away from me in frustration.

"I'd like to be a lobster" I sigh.

"You're one crazy girl, you know that?" I can hear the smile in his voice and it almost makes me stay in the room for a little while longer. But I don't. Instead I go to the gym and run for an hour or two before heading back to the dorm and having a shower then floating back into the dorm room where all but a snoozing Matthew is absent and I pull a on black plunging V-neck dress that I'd gotten the other day and prep my face for the impending social gathering that I'm heavily dreading.

"Matt" I tap the sleeping figure cocooned under a layer of thick, black blankets.

"Mmhmm" A tired grunt calls out.

"MATTHEW!"

He yawns loudly and a moment later his silver bed hair pops out of the end of his cocoon, eyes still shut and peering around blindly like a mole exiting a burrow.

"What?"

"I need your advice" I shuffle backwards so that he gets a better view of me.

"On...?" He rubs his eyes with his hands lazily and flings an arm over the top of his head.

"Look up"

He does, and for a moment I think his eyes are about to exit his skull.

"Wow" His concentrated gaze quickly diverts from me to the side of the room "There's a lot of umm...skin...and...ummm" He looks flustered and gestures to his chest area "Those things"

He sits up and stretches himself out, like a little golden baby lion cub. Matthew is extremely beautiful when he wakes up. His storm coloured eyes coupled with his pouty face and flushed skin makes him look incredibly attractive.

"You're doing this for Eric aren't you?" He frowns, throwing a pillow in my general direction. He misses and it lands on my bed which is now directly beside his since whoever it was sleeping beside him before had dropped out a few days before stage 2 began.

"I just need this thing to go away" I say defensively.

"Your crush?"

"No. My sexual frustration"

"You can have sex with anybody else" He complains, stretching himself out again and reaching over to me to pull my dress further down my things. I slap his hand off me and he slaps my thigh in response.

"Hey!" I exclaim, not sure if he meant it as a compliment or a 'you're a whore' type message being insinuated.

"I just...it...I don't think what you're getting yourself into is worth it" He yawns again.

"I'm bored"

"You've got a party tonight, isn't that enough?" He glances at the clock on the other side of the room and his eyes widen "Shit! is that the time?!"

"No, it's an elephant" I roll my eyes at his sudden alertness and pull out my black strappy ballet flats from under my bed. I'm always looking for excuses not to do thing so my punctuality isn't great but Matt feels compelled to get everywhere on time and since we travel around to most places together, one of us is always irritated with the outcome of our arrival time.

"Why didn't you wake me up?!"

"I did"

"Earlier"

"Because I was at the gym and I'm not a considerate person" I inform him, shuffling my flats onto my feet and waiting for him to finish throwing on his clothes in a frenzy.

"I want attention" I sigh.

"I give you more than enough attention"

"Yes but I want his attention"

"Why? Why do you want the attention of a guy that's going to sleep with you and dump you straight after?"

"Because that guy is Eric Coulter"

"You can be such a freaking idiot sometimes Lorraine" He snaps. But I know he does it because he cares. I don't. But he does. One of us has to. After he's dressed in a fitted black t-shirt and low navy blue jeans we leave the dorms and make our way towards the apartment that the party's being held at.

Matthew, Shane, Cain and Effy greet us as we enter the apartment and we hang around the hallway for a while as we wait for more people to arrive. I look at Matt as if to say "this is why being early sucks" and he just grins at me. Urgh. Effy has mesmerising green eyes and a chin length dark bob that I wish my hair was tame enough to settle into because it frames her face beautifully and makes her look elegant. She's wearing an indigo coloured sparkly short dress that swishes when she walks and makes little patterns of refraction on the walls when she moves.

"So what's up Lorraine?" Effy asks me as if she's genuinely interested in anything I have to say.

"Nothing much just getting through initiation I guess" I shrug.

"Getting through? You're fucking killing stage two. You're like a freaking machine!" Cain marvels.

"Yeah, you're unreal" Effy agrees.

"She is pretty cool" Matt announces admirably.

"And oh my God I love your hair! What did you do to it?" Effy gazes at the uncharacteristically organised hairstyle I've donned today.

"Oh nothing really I just kind of threw it up" I say casually. Yes, with the aid of three different hair gels, some mousse and a gallon of hairspray I had managed to tame the reckless mane into a neat half-up half down style. But I don't like talking and I need these people to shut up.

"Anybody want a drink?" Effy grins, her beautiful perfect bright white teeth gleaming as she holds up a bottle of vodka. For a moment I'm slightly jealous of her but then I remember how low cut my dress is and the jealousy fizzes away like the bubbles in a fizzy drink.

The chaos begins the moment somebody hands me a bottle of vodka and expects me to take just one swig. I think it's time people realise that under no circumstance will I ever listen to the words:

"Lorraine I think that's enough"

Because I didn't.

Excessiveness was in my nature and no amount of 'chill out's or 'calm down Lorraine's was going to stop me from drinking myself into oblivion just because I could. Because drinking made me forget. Forget who I was and forget all the problems and all the things bugging me. I also don't have a filter when intoxicated and I've been drinking straight vodka from the bottle as if it was water for the past hour. I could feel my head beginning to spin and when did I get on this table? Oh right, I was carried on by some guy...Paul or Pete or I don't even know but I'm dancing and it's hot and I think I'm going to collapse but something...picks me up off the table and I immediately recognise the scent of irritating fun-ruiner before I see him.

"Lorraine" He growls, after I've been brought back down to solid ground via his arms.

"Eric" I whine in response.

"What do you think you're doing?" He forces me into the corner of the empty hallway and glares down at me through distractingly anger filled eyes. I'd never really realised how much he towered over me until now but under the influence of alcohol being 5'6 was irrelevant. And I don't care how angry he is. Why the fuck is he so angry?

"Aerobic Respiration, you?" I smile up at him innocently.

"Lorraine" He repeats, calmer this time.

"I love the way you say my name, you drag out the last syllable and it sounds soooo-"

"What have you have to drink?"

"Everything!" I exclaim "Come on lighten up..." His arm is around mine and suddenly I'm being dragged out of the living room and into the hallway "So you don't like my dress?"

"I don't like it when my top initiate is parading around putting on a show for guys that are looking at her like she's a piece of meat and not an actual intelligent, capable, somewhat logical human fucking being" He huffs, leading me out of the crowded hallway with an arm around my waist to keep me steady "Rain..." He begins, trying to drag me along behind him but I'm being purposefully resistant.

"Whaaaaaat?"

"You're a whiny bitch when you're drunk, you know that?" He sighs, shaking off his jacket and placing it on my shoulders.

"I'm a whiny bitch when I'm sober too" I whine, sounding more like a child than ever. Who knew I'd turn into an immature whiny and even more annoying person under the influence of excessive amounts of alcohol. Not me, that's for sure. Eventually I begin to follow him down the path and we make our way towards the direction of the dormroom.

"Nah, you're just a bitch" He smiles. I can't tell if he means it or not. To be fair, I can't even tell what orientation my head is at present so who gives a damn if I can decipher his expression or not.

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Like what?"

"Like...I don't know, like you're disappointed in me" I say, trying to keep my pitch low, avoiding the small whiny voice that seemed to be my default drunk setting. God I'm such an annoying drunk. Somebody come shoot me or something. I'm making a fool of myself and I can't stop. "I wouldn't be surprised if you're getting this all on tape, ready to laugh at me in the morning or something" I grumble, throwing my hands up in the air dramatically.

"If I had you on tape, the last thing on my mind would be laughter"

"The other day you were all over me and now...you're acting like I'm...toxic or something. Like, just get this thing over and done with already" I sigh.

"Three days" He says quietly, although I don't know which one of us he's talking to.

"So why not just avoid me until then"

"I'm trying to figure you out" He says, one arm still around me as he opens the door to the dormroom.

"You don't need to have me figured out to fuck me" I mutter, kicking away a crushed beer can from the entryway to the dorm.

"I wish you'd stop doing that" He mutters, hand still holding my waist steadily as I stumble back into the half empty room and he guides me towards my bed. How he managed to do that in almost pitch darkness is beyond me and I feel myself already dozing off as he releases me and I fall sideways; collapsing onto my bed.

* * *

"Tomorrow's the day" Four says proudly as I open my eyes and turn to face him. He appears to be staring at me with what one might interpret as being fear, but to me it was on some level - admiration.

"What's the matter? Besides the obvious..."

"I don't think you understand the crazy shit that appears on this screen every day" He looks at me, directly into my eyes with his peculiarly coloured dark blue ones.

"Don't worry, I'll tone down the crazy tomorrow" I give him a polite smile.

"Not what I meant. How do...how do you generate that...stuff" He taps on the keyboard cautiously, as if it's covered in something venomous.

"How indeed Mr Eaton. How indeed" I smirk at him, watching him glower at me. I can't help but laugh at him taking me so seriously. I'm nothing special. Just a girl who's smart enough to cheat the system. I don't know my IQ but I know it's high. And I know Erudite have no idea just how much I've fucked up their apparently flawless system of simulation deliverance just because it was fun.

"You think this is funny?"

"It kind of is" I shrug, still giggling.

"How the hell did you do that? It's not safe for you to be doing these mind tricks when-"

"I'll do something normal tomorrow, chill. I'm just having a little bit of fun"

"But how do you do it?" He urges, looking as if the strain of contemplating it is going to make his head explode.

"Do you want to know a secret Tobias?" I whisper "It's all in your head"

I slide off the seat and skip out of the room, leaving him looking somewhat flustered and completely perplexed.

What am I?

I'm not kind. I'm too sarcastic to be honest. To self-obsessed to be selfless. I'm never scared so I can never be brave and the only type of knowledge I have is the kind everybody knows. I'm just better at putting it into practice. Or remembering...

There's something missing. A chunk of my life that I've been trying to get back but I just can't extract the memories. I know they're there. Hidden somewhere inside me and the fragments came and went and fitted themselves together awkwardly in my mind so that I couldn't figure out what belonged where or even what exactly the fragments meant. And maybe that was why I could generate simulations and apparently have more control over my external mental capacity than the inbuilt one I was born with. I need an answer to all this. I can't just parade around not knowing and avoiding everything forever. Eventually I'll have to deal with all this crap. Eric, my 'divergence', the feelings I can't access, the scar...

I wish I could see it. Eric had sounded wary when he asked about it, kind of like it was suspicious to him. Even with my hair in a ponytail it was unnoticeable and my mother had always been the one to do my hair from home whenever I left the house. Conveniently, always in a style that hung right over that part of my neck...So she knew.

Why would she hide it from me? Why am I so fucking messed up and why the hell do I have so much fucking emotional baggage to deal with when I don't even have emotions. When I sleep, fragments of things I can't remember stab at my mind and I get flashes of these horrible events that I never remember when I wake up. And I usually wake up feeling light-headed or as if somebody's just stuck a probe in my mind or something.

I know there's more to me than just a reckless, narcissistic, bitchy teenage girl. I don't want to be this shell of a person any-more. I want to feel things like everybody else does.

 _What am I?_

There's nobody else in the initiates' bathroom and I sigh deeply, almost as if I'm trying to summon up an answer in the air particles I've exhaled.

I am Lorraine Reyes. I am sixteen years old.

 _I am Divergent?_

I want to scream and I almost do until my eyes making contact with the stranger staring right at them through the mirror.

Since arriving at Amity, my somewhat chubby face has hollowed out, leaving my once concealed cheekbones standing out against my mahogany skin. My hair is unkempt. Usually my mother was the one to ensure it didn't get out of hand but I was tired and lazy so it ended up being a mass of unruly springy curls sticking up out of my head in a reckless ponytail like the spikes of a pineapple.

And I also look exhausted.

 _Who are you Lorraine?_

I'm a confused sixteen year old girl who doesn't know anything about herself.

I'm inside this shell and I want to get out. I'm slamming furiously against the confines of this facadé of calm and sarcasm. But I'm broken and exhausted and I just want to sleep and feel safe and happy. I want to be happy.

 _I am a disaster._

I feel as though I can't keep it up any longer. As if I'm a ticking time bomb and all this shit was just piling up and up and up until eventually it came crumbling down like a tonne of bricks.

I'm afraid that if I smile or laugh or cry or frown, I'll become who I am. I'll let myself be the disaster girl that nobody wants. This mess of a person that my father tried and failed to get rid of. I can't become this disaster, I just can't.

I wasn't fearless. Not in the colloquial sense anyway. I wasn't afraid of physical entities or hypothetical situations.

I'm afraid of this girl inside me with all her thoughts and feelings and all her hopes and dreams and the ability to be hurt by things and people. I'm scared of having to be myself and having to deal with all the shit that comes with people trying to get close to me and caring about things and hurting and crying and being happy only to someday have every aspect of joy I'd ever own ripped away from me. I'm afraid she'll be let out. And she'll get hurt. I'm afraid people won't like her.

* * *

 **Here's another note. Firstly, this chapter is somewhat of a titan and I have no idea why. Secondly, the next chapter will be up on the weekend or earlier if I'm feeling better by then. Also I know it's been kind of all talk and no action in these chapters but there will be like lot's of action in the upcoming chapters. And also some explanations for all this crazy shit. Hope to see some more reviews from you guys x**


	10. Chapter 10

**AN:** **It's been ages I know, I'm sorry. I'm indecisive. Minor details have changed (again) but they shouldn't really be a big enough issue that one has to re-read my modified chapters. But yeah I tried. This chapter is also no fun but oh well.**

* * *

 _I'm not trying to talk at all_

 _'Cause I'm trying to love you crazy_

 _Put some more inside your cup_

 _And drink 'til you numb the pain_

 _The Weekend - Aquainted_

* * *

 **Eric**

We're going to end up spending more time at Erudite than Dauntless with the amount of times Jeanine Matthews thinks it's okay to just summon us into her office for meetings and explanations or whatever else she needs to confirm before we can proceed with the attack on abnegation. All the leaders with the exception of Tris who is unemployed and also refuses to be in the same room as me have once again been summoned to the white and blue hell-hole for more of Jeanine's irritating voice ringing in our heads.

"We have a lot of planning and preparation to be doing and you look as if you've just stepped out of a factionless safe house Mr Coulter" She scowls at me while entering some information into a laptop in front of her. I'm surprised she's even had time to look up at us let alone process any of our appearances while her eyes have been glued to the illuminated screen since we arrived.

She taps at the screen for a few seconds and a moment later images flash by on the projector behind her. Figures, tables, pie charts and a list of names with blank inconsistent gaps between them to signify some are missing. At first I think it's confirmed divergent cases but beside each name was a percentage, and the missing spaces are only missing names because there isn't a confirmed percentage to be assigned to them. I'd spent way too much time analysing my mother's data as a child and I had developed an aberrant intuition when it came to interpreting data.

"This isn't right" She mumbles to herself, the projector screen immediately going blank. A moment later she closes her laptop before shooting Uriah a warning look as he leans tiredly on the desk before him. He immediately sits up and rubs his tired eyes before her glare burns through his skin and fries him on the spot.

"What do we do about the remaining Divergents in the other factions?" Uriah asks her, scratching the back of his head nervously.

"There shouldn't be any remaining divergent in other factions Mr Pedrad" She reminds him, almost as if he's unworthy of speaking to her.

"We shall commence with the project exactly two months from today. In the meantime, we shall have to be extremely cautious with the information we give out and build up a secure system of security around the other Factions. I expect we shall have enough simulations prepared and a suitable enough environment to carry out the project without disruption exactly two months from today and I shall be requesting weekly updates and progress reports on the general structure of security and defence systems. I also expect you to send out your most able troops to the wall as well as set up a team with the intent of weakening the factionless rebels as efficiently as you can" She looks at me once she's finished speaking "I'm sure I can trust Mr Coulter to lead that task efficiently"

"Media coverage needs to be diverted away from the death of Marcus Eaton and towards something more light-hearted and 'fun'" She says the word _fun_ as if it's a foreign concept to her and I get the impression that this woman wouldn't know fun if it jumped out of her computer screen and slapped her in the face.

"In the meantime I expect you to be on high alert. Have your troops ready, armed and well equipped for any more unexpected attacks"

"And Mr Coulter, I expect you to immediately dispose of any...obstacles" She adds on as a man scurries into the room and begins gathering her equipment off the desk. I begin to wonder if I'm actually good for doing anything besides mercilessly killing people since that's pretty much all I can be relied on doing these days. We leave her office and pile into a line of blue cars outside the building ready to take us back to Dauntless to watch the initiate's final assessments.

* * *

"Yes. I know, second place, I'm a fucking disappointment. I fucked up. I'm not as good as you thought I was and now you're here to laugh at me or give me some other consequence for not living up to your expectations of me and-"

"You know, for someone who's meant to be quiet you sure do a whole lot of talking" I say, going to stand in front of her so I'm blocking her path.

"And for someone who's meant to be a leader you sure do a whole lot of following" She retorts, stopping in her tracks "Leave me alone, I don't need you to say it. I failed. I came second. I'm not the incredible dauntless prodigy or whatever it is you guys think I am. I'm not special or the best. Second place is first loser"

"I don't care"

"Yeah, you just want to sleep with me, why should you?"

"I don't care because I don't need to see the results of that test to know you're still better than everyone else in that class" I say.

"No" She shakes her head at me, "Clearly the better initiate won"

"You honestly don't think that stiff kid is better than you?" I ask her, studying her expressionless face. I couldn't detect anger or disappointment. Come to think of it there aren't any arguable signs of this girl being an actual human being besides the fact that she bleeds has a pulse.

"Just...shut up" She sighs as she turns to face me her wide doe-like eyes focussed on mine. Her bluntness and disregard for authority didn't match the innocence of her appearance and I find myself grinning at her bitterly.

"Sorry that was rude..." For a moment I think she's going to scream, or show some indication that the position of being an actual human being with actual emotions but she doesn't. She just stares blankly at the wall in front of her. And as I looked in her eyes I saw that she'd already given up trying in convince herself that she hadn't failed and something about knowing this girl wasn't happy made me want to tear the earth in two with my bare hands.

"You wanna be left alone?" I ask, even though this hallway was probably the most sparsely populated part of dauntless today seeing as everybody else who'd made it was out celebrating or calling up their families to inform them that they had survived initiation. But Lorraine was here, on her own. No friends, no excitement, no pride or relief. Just something unreadable and infuriating.

"I'm always alone"

"I asked if you want to be"

"You ever noticed how they tell us these caverns are naturally formed yet there's a mixture of both blunt rock and eroded rock?"

I have noticed. But nobody here was smart enough to realise why that was a problem.

"You're too smart to not think you're not good enough"

And strong willed, physically capable, observant, calculating not to mention persistent and unintentionally manipulative so if anybody expected me to believe for one second that she fell into second place from a temporary lapse in skill or that some stiff had just gotten lucky, then I'd shoot them on the spot for thinking I was an idiot. Because that's what you'd have to be to believe she didn't deserve first place.

She's lethal. Halfway to becoming what may be Dauntless' most valuable asset and if people refused to see that because of her assessment result, then it was only a matter of time before she proved them wrong. Unless...that was her plan.

"Did you place second on purpose?"

"Yes. No. Maybe. I don't know"

"I need a straight answer"

She smiles, as if to say 'even though you don't really know me, you know me better than _that_ '

"I feel like I should care. But I don't...I kind of wish I did though"

She's talking to me but her eyes are fixed up in a corner of the cave and there's a sinister glint in them that would worry anybody else but instead it just made me more curious as to what went in in that incredible head of hers.

"I need a drink" She suddenly says, sidestepping me and speeding down the cavern.

"No, you-"

And she's gone.

One minute, everybody wanted to speak to her, to get to know this beautiful, distant girl who was so incredible at everything and the next she's nothing but a 'you did great' amongst a sea of them and all her magnificence fades into nothingness.

Trying to figure her out was more difficult than anything I'd ever tried to accomplish in my life both at Erudite and Dauntless. I wonder what made her so scared of who she is. She gets away with thinking nobody notices and I wonder why nobody does. Why am I the only one that sees how much she wants to destroy herself.

I get to the small hollow spot underneath a rocky staircase that I'd found her hiding away in a few days ago and find that she's sat on the floor, concealed behind a thin crevice of rock that hides her small frame completely to anyone who's simply just walking by.

"Urgh, why do you keep finding me?" She lets out a long drawn out sigh while throwing her head down over her knees so her hair spills out over them "Go away" A muffled voice groans from beneath the pile of lustrous ebony springs. I take a closer look at her and notice an empty bottle sat by her side, the label ripped off but I still know exactly what it is.

"What have you been doing?"

She waves a hand in the air dismissively and mumbles something incoherent as she lifts her head up so she's looking up at me through dark, glassy eyes.

"I think I need another drink" She jumps up onto her feet, sending the bottle toppling over sideways with a loud clank.

"No. No more drinks..." I grab her arm before she can go any further and she tries to pry herself out of my grip but to no avail.

"You've got to stop this"

"Stop what?" She says tiredly.

I'm already dragging her out of the cavern and towards the direction of somewhere I'm sure she won't be able to do more damage to herself.

"Get off me!" She exclaims, attempting to pry my hand off her arm "Okay so I'm not the most stable human being in existence right now. Well done for noticing, do you want a fucking medal?"

"You're destroying yourself. And I'm not just going to sit around and let you"

"Everybody else does" She mumbles in a childish voice.

"Everybody else doesn't notice" I point out.

"So what? _"_ She asks as I hoist her up over my shoulder while she batters at my back with her fists aggressively. She doesn't relent the whole journey to my apartment and even when I put her down she's fuming.

"In about thirty seconds, you're going to get rid of all that poison in your system and then get some fucking sleep before you collapse" I order, guiding her into the bathroom and holding her head back while she retches into the toilet bowl. _The things I do for lust_. Even when she's regurgitating the entire contents of her stomach and making the grossest fucking sounds I've ever heard in my life I'm still thinking about how hot she looks in pretty much everything she wears and how soft her skin looks and how soft her hair is and just...

"I feel like death" She croaks out, shaking my hand away from her head and standing up to rinse her mouth out in the sink. When she brings her head back up, she's swaying as if she's about to collapse any moment from now and I wonder why she's never actually developed a stable centre of gravity after sixteen years. How did she even keep herself upright for more than five minutes before I came along?

"You'll feel better in the morning" I say, guiding her into the bedroom and all the way onto the actual bed so she doesn't end up impaling herself on the bedframe or something in an attempt to lay on it by herself.

"I never do" She mumbles, curling herself up like an armadillo while her eyes flutter shut.

When her eyes are closed, the softness of her features are accentuated more and I can see she has dark brown freckles travelling over the bridge of her nose onto only one side of her cheek. She's also got a small one just above her right eyelid that's barely noticeable when she's awake as its hidden in the crease. I sit there for a while, taking in every detail of her rested face and realise that she really is beautiful, but even though she's right in front of me, I've never felt so far away from somebody before.


End file.
